How We Pick a President

Hello My Name IsHas the proliferating violence and hyperpartisan atmosphere got you down about the upcoming election? Don’t know how to pick a president in this climate? You are not alone! Historians agree that respect for the oval office has declined drastically, leaving many citizens to wonder, “What the hell is going on with my country?”

Turns out, the problem might be biological. What we want in a president and what we need in a president may be two different things, determined by two different parts of the brain. Here’s the “fascinating” part according to “experts,” in order to win elections candidates do better when they tap into their limbic lobe, but in order to effectively run our country, that requires tapping into the cerebral cortex. Fascinating, right?

“The limbic lobe is millions of years old, often compared to that of a chimpanzee,” explained one scientist. “Now take the republican debates, the one beating his chest and growling the loudest is trying to establish himself as the alpha male. He’s really tapping into that old brain. The question is, should a chimpanzee become President?”

So you might be wondering if you should use the Planet of the Apes as your voting guide or wing it on your own. According to political “experts” judgment is the trait most integral to governing, not the person who beats his chest the loudest. The cortex sets us apart from other creatures, enabling analysis and judgment.

“If I recall my history of the Planet of the Apes, and I’ve seen everyone,” said an undecided voter. “No female ape was ever in charge.”

This is true, and as we speak test cases are being studied to see if a female can become the alpha male. Time will tell if our primate programming will dominate when we cast our ballot or if our newer brain, the cortex, will decide who is best for the job.

“Here’s my strategy,” explained one citizen. “I’m not voting. So take that America, nobody gets my vote.”

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