We resume “Family Therapy” in the middle of Sister Patterson’s wicked meltdown, preaching to the group that Dr. Conte didn’t knock, and therefore could have walked into her room while she was “wiping her butt.” Thank you for that imagery, Sister. Dr. Jenn and Dr. Conte return to the group, but since Sister won’t shut up, she can’t hear the apology she’s demanded from Dr. Conte. The other participants are looking for the exit signs. Here’s the diagnosis: Sister Patterson is resisting treatment. Ya think? Sister and Tiffany leave group therapy for a second time. Can I get an amen!
Dr. Jenn takes a moment to thank everyone for attending the first group session; however, their time is up. Please come back tomorrow. Bam thinks Sister is insane and they are all doomed. Isn’t it crazy that the addict has the most clarity?
Back in Sister and Tiffany’s room, they are lamenting over not being able to slam Dr. Conte because that’s how grown-ass, classy women act. Meanwhile, Dr. Jenn is knocking on the door, asking to come in, and ignored. Tiffany finally says, “Yeah,” and Sister pretends she’s sleeping. As if her adrenaline would let her. Dr. Jenn gives them a very professional ultimatum, participate or leave.
The following morning Tiffany has a one-on-one with Dr. Jenn. It’s crystal clear that Tiffany wants to learn and grow and have her mother somewhat in her life, but she’s afraid of her, and who the hell wouldn’t be? Tiffany tells Dr. Jenn she thought her mother knew what they signed up for, but if memory serves me, it was you, Tiffany, who didn’t want to participate and “expose” yourself originally in group therapy. Dr. Jenn is empathetic because she must divide and conquer these two – it’s her only course of action. She promises Tiffany her mom is like a storm that will pass – a category 5 to be exact – that leaves wreckage in its path.
A little later, Michael Lohan, Sister, and Tiffany are discussing what an evil person Dina Lohan is, in the kitchen. Michael’s been praying for Dina’s soul to be saved, but it’s no use because she’s the devil. Sister agrees and tells Michael that Dina’s spirit attacked her spirit when they first met. Michael admits he hit Dina once, but that was it and Dina makes it sound like it happened all the time. With these two, the truth is somewhere in the middle, but Michael has successfully gotten Sister on his side – because he is 8 years old.
More group therapy! Today we are talking about “Darkest Moments” in your family. Nothing will go wrong with this topic. Let’s start with April. It was a dark and stormy night, Christmas Eve, two years earlier. April had just decorated the house and put up the tree for Bam who was returning home after traveling with his band. Bam was on a bender and unfortunately destroyed the decorations and tossed the tree across the room while screaming at his mom. Then he wanted to drown himself in the pool. Now April hates the holidays. Bam-Bam feels hopeless, lost, doomed, and shame after Dr. Jenn adds that last one to his list of ominous emotions. Dr. Jenn wants to reduce the shame that permeates all areas and help Bam and his mom love Christmas again.
Next up is Dina. Her darkest moment was the divorce. And the physical and emotional abuse that Michael committed against her. Michael is upset about this b.s. and if this is how Dr. Jenn runs her group therapy, he wants no part of it. The cameras didn’t show him wink at Sister, but in my mind Michael does. Dr. Conte explains a new word for Michael. It’s called: per-cep-tion. Michael claims Dina isn’t being honest.
Dr. Jenn tries to take control by asking Michael about his darkest moment. His was finding Dina smoking crack. Mmm-hmm. And Michael wants everyone to know, again, he only hit her once. Michael starts rambling about Dina’s faults, saying he won’t stay with the devil, gets up and leaves. He is heard outside praying that the devil leave Dina.
On to Tiffany’s darkest moment. This should be interesting because she’s ready to participate. But you know what, y’all? Tiffany doesn’t have one dark moment. It seems her life has been nothing but sunshine and rainbows. Dr. Jenn offers up the time her mother hit her on television. Sister is outraged. She is a mother and it’s her right to smack her daughter if need be. Dr. Jenn says not according to the law. Sister whacks Tiffany on the leg to show who’s in charge. Tiffany reluctantly agrees that it would be nice if her mom were more understanding.
After group, Dr. Jenn asks Michael to join her outside. Michael is saying he wants to leave and Dr. Jenn is saying she hopes he’ll stay and let her do her job. But what about Dina’s lying and drug use and drinking and anger, Michael whines. Dr. Jenn reminds Michael it’s only day two of the experiment.
The cast is gathered outside to hear that a new family will be joining them and its Dr. Jenn’s hope they will welcome the trio. The guessing begins. Is it a real housewife? A rapper? Donald Trump? It’s Damon Dash and his older brother Bobby and younger brother Jeremy. Because of money, everything is all screwed up and everyone resents each other. We call this: rich people’s problems. Damon feels he was there for his brothers financially and emotionally and they weren’t there for him. Back in the day, Damon was business partners with Jay-Z but they had a public and volatile break up.
Sister wants to leave because she ain’t staying with no gangsta family. Tiffany is thinking: Best Day Ever! She can’t wait to get her hands on Damon. Sister is not liking what she’s seeing. Michael greets them and will become roommates with Jeremy and Bobby. For some reason, Damon gets his own room but he doesn’t like the twin bed. It reminds him of jail. If that were jail, 10 other guys would have bunks in the room, so let’s take the drama down a notch.
Guess who the new BFF’s are? Michael and Sister have forged a fast friendship. He gives Sister the 411 on the Dash brothers, their sleeping arrangements and who the prima donna is. Sister says there will be no prima donnas in this group who will disrupt the therapy process – that’s her job.
Michael is out by the pool with Jeremy and Bobby doing recon for Sister. They tell Michael they talk all the time, but not with Damon and have no idea where he lives, other than North Carolina. Michael is shocked. Family is everything to him. (cough, bullshit) Jeremy doesn’t understand why they had to come on a show to do this. Why not pick up the phone, hash it out, and move on. If only, Jeremy, if only.
At this point I’m feeling bad for Brittany and Briana. I know nothing about them. Not their darkest moments. Not their hopes and dreams. And they are fading into the background. Michael and April have a moment where he complains about Dina and April claims to be Switzerland. Oh yeah? Michael tells her that Dina stole $72K from Lindsey and that’s why she was fired. Not to mention they’ve snorted cocaine together. Ugh, Michael, tell it to the therapist. Instead of that, Michael decides to say it with a tee-shirt.
With shirt in hand, Michael marches over to Dina, who’s having a lovely time being entertained by Bam along with the others about his tattoo, Brad pit. Very funny. Anyway, Michael walks up and drops the shirt “Deny Everything” on the table and walks off the property.
Tune in next week when Sister says that if she gets angry everyone will cease to exist, then denies she’s intimidating.
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