Million Dollar Matchmaker
Oy, vey! Patty Stanger is back with, newly named, Million Dollar Matchmaker. The club for thousandaires pretending to be millionaires who get set up with equally damaged goods. Goodbye Bravo, Patty is now with WEtv probably because she pissed off Andy Cohen, but that’s okay because now she’s on the 21st floor at the “exclusive” Harrah’s resort in southern California. So let’s get started!
First up is, Justin, the human Ken doll is 35 and he’s had over 288 cosmetic surgeries – and counting. But hey, just because he’s made of plastic doesn’t mean he’s not entitled to love. He’s 35 and loves attention, even if it’s the wrong kind for the wrong reasons. His before pics show a nice Jewish boy, but the nose and everything else has been altered. He wants Patty to find a husband for him. Upon check in at the hotel, Justin is told he has a blind date waiting downstairs and to get ready for it.
Next up for love is Claudia, who is 48, Colombian and has been married four times, engaged six times. She needs a man by her side regardless if he’s Mr. Wrong. Claudia’s not a celebrity, so heads up, less time will be given to her story.
As part of Patty’s new shtick, she provides love lessons. Yes, the woman who’s never been married, dishes out advice in a, “do as I say, not as I do,” methodology. She meets with Justin and they discuss the blind date he already had. Turns out, the blind date was blind-folded and Justin couldn’t “lead with his body parts.” Justin made his date touch his body to feel his bulky, squishy arms. The blind date makes a face and says, “It doesn’t feel real.” Keep that in mind for his nether-regions. Then the blind date asks Justin is he ever lets his dates get a word in edgewise.
This is when Patty rips Justin a new one, free of charge, and tells him he is so vapid he’s going to wind up old and alone because nobody cares that he’s had 50 million surgeries totaling $300K. She says, “Without substance there is no soul.” Then Patty yells, “Love comes from the heart.” She gets through to Justin and tells him he can no longer talk about his plasticness.
Then it’s Claudia turn getting yelled at by Patty. Claudia goes through her wreckage and Patty tells her she is a cliff-diver and doesn’t take the time to see if there are sharks in the water. Patty correctly deduces that several of the men in Claudia’s life have hit her. And that Claudia has a pattern of rescuing men because she’s really trying to rescue herself. Claudia says she’s ready to change her ways, while gasping for air and sobbing into a tissue.
Now it’s time for Claudia’s love challenge. She is required to choose from one of five a parachutes that list three different characteristics’ of men. To take things up a notch, Claudia is required to sign her life away before being taken to the roof of the hotel with her parachute. She has chosen a man with the characteristics of: loves dogs, has a sailboat, and is a great kisser. Patty tells her that of the five parachutes, only one is actually packed with a parachute, and knowing this, would she still jump off the roof? Without hesitation, Claudia says yes. Girl! Are you stupid? Patty tells her to take another look over the edge. They pull items out of the bag. He’s really a pill-popping, cash stealing, and lipstick on the collar, kind of guy. Splat!
Patty explains that women (especially women over 40) must qualify the buyer first to see if their values line up. Claudia gets it and is now cured! Thank goodness for Patty.
It’s time to interview the dates for Justin. Some are normal, most are not, which is perfect for the human Ken doll. Patty does the same for Claudia and makes her decisions.
Back in the day, Patty would have the clients go on two mini-dates then pick one for the master-date. Not anymore. Now they go on two exact dates. For Justin, he will go on two horse dates. First up is Jeff. Justin likes his chiseled face and the glimmer in his eyes. Next up is Bo who Justin finds “pretty sexy.” Bo says he doesn’t want to judge a book by the cover, in other words, he’s freaked out by the cover. Justin is connecting more with Bo and the conversations is flowing better than with Jeff.
For Claudia, she will be making crab cakes on her dates. Is this some kind of Freud thing? Not sure, but her first impression of Greg is his positive presence and beautiful eyes. And her first impression of Chris is how he’s impeccably dressed and has nice, big hands. Then she giggles. The conversation flows well with both, but Claudia is moved by Chris’ widowhood. No pesky ex-wife to deal with. Turns out Claudia and Greg are both writing books, so they have that in common. Greg’s book is called, “How to be Average.” Not kidding. Claudia didn’t find it funny either. Chris tries to kiss Claudia goodnight and she freaks and says she NEVER kisses on the first date. She only gets married on the first date.
It’s time for the choice. Justin tells Patty that between Bo and Jeff he felt more butterflies with Bo. So it’s time for Justin to make his choice and he has chosen (no surprise) Bo. But here’s the catch, Bo has to also choose a second date with Justin. Will he? There’s a knock at the door, the door opens, and…no one is there. #shocker! For reals. Bo didn’t want a second date with Justin. In the end (or the entire body) Bo couldn’t get past all the plastic surgeries. Justin is heartbroken.
Claudia’s heartbreak choice is next! She says that she’s a changed woman and is no longer a cliff-diver. Claudia tells Patty she has made her decision and chooses, Chris, the widower. Here comes the knock at the door. The door is opened and…Chris is there, though he took his sweet time walking in. It’s a match! They can check out together!
Update: There is no update like they used to do, which was the best part because typically nobody ever works out. But, there is some drama with another knock on the door.Its Patty’s ex-office workers Rachel and Destin who left to set up their own matchmaking service. Drama!
Tell me what you think? Will you tune in for Million Dollar Matchmaker?