Breaking News! Stop Sowing Your Wild Oats! It Will Ruin Your Marriage!
Scientists have discovered “exciting” news in the sex department. A sample of young adults were questioned about their love lives prior to marriage. The “thrilling” study showed that practice does not make perfect. Say what? But doesn’t that seems counter-intuitive? Do mathematics and sports follow this breakthrough theory? They don’t. As shocking as this seems, this only pans out when it comes to love and marriage. So what exactly is going on?
“Our studies found that having more sexual partners before saying ‘I do’ led to a less satisfying marriage.” One of the scientist’s explained. “It’s the geek like me who never got any that has a more satisfying marriage because now we sometimes get some.”
Shocking, right? But the “fascinating” news doesn’t end there. If you find yourself pondering why this is, stop pondering. It has to do with a phenomenon called the “selection effects” which gives many people a predisposition to this anomaly. It has to do with picking the wrong person based on 1) parents own divorce 2) economic hardships 3) weak education. Many people simply “marry their parents” in these cases.
“I heard about this concept at my very first marriage retreat,” said a secretary at the science lab. “It’s so true. I married my father all four times.”
Due to social media it’s easier than ever to have that casual hookup. (Thank you!) However, the downside is when a person has had many relationships prior to marriage, it increases the knowledge that a person has choices. Many choices. So many choices. What’s a person to do?”
“Stop sleeping around so much,” explained the retired scientist. “Oy vey, you people are so greedy, what with your entitlement, and your need for a soulmate. In my day we just took what we got and liked it. Some of the time. Not always. But guess what, life’s not fair and you’re not special, so stop kvetching about finding some who gets you. I’ll get you.”
For those who are contemplating giving up and spending a lifetime alone, don’t give up just yet. There’s help. First, stop gambling with love. Second, slow down the trajectory of your pickups. And third don’t relapse to an ex. You broke up for a reason. Follow these rules and soon you, too, will come to tolerate the lackluster love life of marriage.