Dear United Airlines,

Thank you for putting my fear of flying into a different perspective. I no longer think the flight I’m taking is doomed after departure because my fear has now shifted to being removed before departure. It might sound sarcastic, but this is such a breakthrough. Let’s face it, the friendly skies haven’t been friendly in over two decades. Whether your baby is crying, skirt is too short, talking too loudly, not feeling well, or the computer has randomly selected you to be kicked off the flight, the odds are much higher of being booted than a crash. So seriously, thank you United for coming up with a cure to fear of flying.

So why do these things keep happening? What is it about this mode of transportation that creates so many extreme issues? For starters, the stress begins the moment you arrive at the airport. Will the flight be delayed? Will it be overbooked? Will the weather cooperate? Will my luggage make it? So many variables. And personal space in airplanes is getting reduced while more seats are being added. Even in first class. I’ve had the pleasure of flying first class a few times, but it’s not worth the extra money/points for shorter flights.

And did you know we are boarding the plane incorrectly? The “Steffen Method” was created by astrophysicist, Dr. Jason Steffen, who came up with this technique in his spare time. Here’s how it works, after parents with children board the plane, the people with window seats are next to board. This frees up the aisle faster. Then you call the middle seats and obviously the aisle seats last. But of course, this will never work because people will complain about not boarding at the same time as their friends/lovers. Also, people will say, “Oops I thought B was a window seat” because most likely, they were in the bar getting some liquid courage.

In my opinion, which means about as much as one-way funjet special on Southwest Airlines, #United should have gone higher than $800 per seat. How about that couple that made $11K for their spring break trip that got bumped? Smartest couple of the year! If United had offered bigger refunds, people would have given up their seats. It’s not our fault the flight was overbooked, and yet it’s our problem. How much money do you think United is going to have to spend on this publicity nightmare? A hell of a lot more than 11 thousand dollars! So please, airline industry, stop overbooking flights. You’re making plenty of money off our baggage.

In closing, when a police officer tells you to get off the plane, best you get off the plane!

Random Thoughts – Dear United Airlines
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