Breaking News! There’s a Pill to Fight the Pill Epidemic

Everyone knows by now our entire nation is swept up in an opioid addiction. If you aren’t hooked on prescription drugs, chances are someone you know is. And now that hundreds of millions of prescriptions are floating across the USA, scientists have dubbed it as the “drug cascade” phenomenon. But don’t worry, there’s another pill you can take to counter that.

“The findings in this case were fascinating,” explained one of the scientists. “In case you haven’t already, put all your money into pharmaceutical stocks. Double-down if you can.”

The addiction begins innocently. Let’s say you’re traveling down a road, minding your own business and get rear-ended. There will be pain, so one month’s prescription to oxy is long enough for you to enjoy those rose-tinted Ray Ban’s. You want more, but the doctor cuts you off because he is being “responsible” for once. Fear not, there is “exciting” news about battling our nation’s pill addiction.

“All you need is good dope,” said one scientist. “You see, the pill pharms are behind in that market, so don’t put your money in cannabis just yet. Thankfully the Feds are busy deporting illegals, so with a few good years of turning-a-blind-eye, weed will soon overtake our nation.”

Did you know there’s a pill for just about every side effect of oxy? Got constipation? There’s a pill for that. Suffer from nausea? There’s a pill for that, too. How about dizzy spells, low testosterone, insomnia, anxiety, loss of appetite, excessive appetite, suicidal thoughts – there’s a pill for whatever ails you!

“Something to look out for, though, is drug interaction,” explained one scientist. “I didn’t know this until recently, but it’s possible to sleep walk to the bathroom and sit on the john for six hours while in a drug haze.”

Analysts estimate the $3 billion dollar pharmaceutical market will double in just five years. Good thing because 35 states have filed lawsuits against drug companies, accusing them of putting profits above peoples’ lives.

“It’s really scary. On the upside, another stock to keep your eye on,is rehabilitation centers,” offered one scientist. “But you want to jump in soon while there are still very few regulations.”

Missed last week’s “Breaking News You Can’t Use?” Check it out here.

Breaking News! There’s a Pill to Fight the Pill Epidemic
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