Dear Dani – Hurricane Harvey Edition

Dear Dani,

I am a man of the cloth. He comes first in everything I do, especially when it comes to helping those people. You know the kind I’m talking about, the less fortunate who don’t live in a $10 million dollar mansion. Unfortunately there was a miscommunication. You see, God told me this storm wasn’t going to be a big deal. Next thing I know, it was time to build an ark. So if I’m busy building my ark, how can I do anything else? Especially if I’m going to put flocks of people in harm’s way. The garage was flooded and moments away from flooding our mega palace work space. So we were being practical, and we never closed our doors, we just never opened them. But our willingness was always there. We were just waiting for the refugee convention center to reach capacity, which was at 2,000, so when we heard they had reached 9,000, we jumped right in to help. We promptly told those people to swim on over, we were open for business, on the last day of the storm. Hang on a sec, let me wipe this tear away. You see, we’ve been here for 60 years, and God willing, we’ll be here much, much longer. If I had it to do over again, sure, I’d change a few things, like put my wife and kids on our private jet and fly them off somewhere safe, and then open our facility. My question is, do you think forgiveness is possible?

Signed,

Noah in a $1200 Suit

Dear Not Noah,

Forgiveness is always possible, but not always practical. It’s a sad day when distraught citizens have to shame a church into being good Christians. My advice is do the work and forget about how you look, which isn’t good, but eventually redeemable.

Dear Dani,

I have a huge problem. Nothing happened to my house. I mean, I know that sounds like I don’t have a problem, but the problem is I told everyone at work that I couldn’t show up because I had flood damage. Here’s the deal, I was drunk for four days straight. Each morning I would say, okay today’s the day I gotta check in at the hospital. But then someone would show up with a brisket and case of beer, and off we go again. I finally made it in today when my colleagues let me know, that myself and two other coworkers who “lost everything” would be receiving a check for five grand each. Here’s the problem, when I tried to refuse it, they only insisted I take it and even offered more money. I feel worse than I did on day two when I threw up all the venison and Jack Daniels I over-consumed. Would it be okay to just donate the money to the Red Cross and call it a day? I have a friend who really did lose everything and I was thinking I could also help him rebuild in exchange for photographing it and telling people it’s my remodeled home?

Signed,

This Has Never Happened Before

Dear Never,

It’s not your money to donate. Give it back, confess your misdeed, and check into your company’s health benefits for a rehab stint.

Dear Dani,

I am one of the 100,000 that has lost my home and didn’t have flood insurance. I was told that I didn’t need it and the money I saved from not spending money on flood insurance, I could rebuild. The problem with this theory is you need to have lived in your home for more than ten years for the math to work. I’ve only been in my house for two years. However, there’s always a silver lining in every dark cloud. The guy that rescued me by boat is also a contractor. What luck! And he’s handsome. And funny. And, oh yeah, he’s apparently married. My question is, does the saying, all is fair in love and war, apply to floods?

Signed,

Homewrecked-er

Dear Wrecked,

I’m pretty sure my patience is running low because I’m keeping each of my responses pretty short. No, floods don’t apply. It’s okay to ask for help, but hire the guy if his references are good and get out of the way.

Dear Dani – Hurricane Harvey Edition
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