Episode 1 – The 1 Percent
Sorry this is late! I had planned to recap AHS Cult, but after I watched the first episode and hated absolutely everybody in it, even the little kid, I knew I couldn’t watch an entire season of the over-plotted storylines that in the end wouldn’t connect. I lived through the horror of the election once and don’t care to repeat it. And where exactly is the cult? Are they a cult of clowns?
But I digress. So back to the drawing board I go, and after glancing at what’s starting right now, and what’s already being recapped, I chose Below Deck because obviously I like challenges. Can I resuscitate interest in this rocky love boat? Let’s give it a try.
We are back for Season 5 of Below Deck in the Caribbean on the Valor with Captain Lee. Reunited and it feels so good. Kate is the first to arrive and compares her voyages of chief steward as a “fling” she likes to engage in from time to time. The question, is the fling with a woman or a man? Or both?! (Please let it be both.) Capt. Lee informs Kate not to expect too much from the crew this season because they are idiots.
Kate meets chef Matt first. He learned to cook in Canada so like Capt. Lee said, don’t expect too much. There are no sparks between he and Kate. Next to arrive is the lovely Brianna. Matt is immediately smitten with this kitten. She’s one of those who lets the universe guide her. Bruno is from Portugal and he’s not the sharpest prop on the yacht. He repeats his starboard room number over and over so he doesn’t forget where he’s be staying, but still gets it wrong. Jen the rookie says for her boats equate to orgasms. If only she was as smart as she is pretty. Also she has a kid she left back stateside so she could pursue her dream of maid yacht. Niko is back! Niko lost his little brother between seasons and is the top dog without the title. Welcome back, Nico! Chris Brown is in the house! The white Chris Brown that is, not the singer/beater.
Matt has discovered a cockroach in the kitchen rough seas won’t be the only things churning the guest’s stomachs. Kate is very disappointed that she has to train – which is her job – the stewards on how to be yacht maids. So get this, Chris is a 26 year old virgin who can’t wait to pop that float. Baker is a debut-not who sounds like she smokes three packs per day. Brianna is single, but deserves a free lay because she asks the golden question – what is Kate’s status? Kate says her last relationship (with a woman) was brief. Brief? How about criminal? How about abusive? How about jail and legal bills up the hoo-haw? Kate doesn’t trust her judgment anymore and thinks she’s bad news. That’s why we love you, Kate! You are bad news.
Capt. Lee gives the first of many pep talks and tells the crew to get it together or they will get a plane ticket home. And there’s no drinking on the charters. Rules were made to be broken! The first guests will arrive noon tomorrow so off to work they go.
Capt. Lee calls the Kate, Matt and Niko in for the meeting about the charter guests. There will be six people, Dave is there leader and he owns San Fran’s first trampoline park. Is there some significance to being the first? Of a trampoline park? I mean it’s not like he invented the internet. Dave, his wife, and two other couples are all into extreme sports. And bonus for Matt, the chef the guests are meat eaters. Vegans are boring! Anyway, at the crew dinner, Jen and Brianna ask Chris and Bruno if they want to switch it up and go co-ed. After Chris verifies this is allowed, because it wasn’t in his strict Christian upbringing that he renounced last week, Chris is a happy virgin. The method to the girls madness is free reign of the bathrooms.
The guests arrive and quickly dub Matt as Chef Nopants. He wears shorts. Yes, people from San Fran are very creative. The champagne is poured and the anchors is pulled. Here we go. But wait, the cushions are blowing off and into the water, along with the chips. The circle back to get them and then park the boat. When Jen is told to go to Capt. Lee’s cabin and iron his fancy uniform, she gets lost and bumps into a black guy deckhand who points the correct way, but is like, Whoops, you ain’t supposed to see me.
Chicken Ceaser salad is ready and after Kate carefully explains to Jen to serve the women first, Jen is like, eff that, here you go men. Dig in. So are these the most polite, albeit boring charter guests ever? When is something going to happen? At last, the deck hands practically crash the currier boat as they are lowering it into the water. Nico tried telling them to open their eyes, but oh well, dents happen.
So how green is Bruno? He has no idea how to tie a knot. Do you know how many nautical knots there are? I don’t know either, but I would think a lot. How hard would it be to know one? The guests do the jet propelled boots and one guy does a backflip into the water. It looks like he was punched in the gut. Let’s hear it for extreme sports!
Before dinner, Jen takes a drink order from the guests and doesn’t write it down. The guest requested a gin martini with olives because if you just say martini you’ll be served one with vodka. But instead, Jen orders a gin and tonic for the quest who immediately recognizes it’s wrong because it’s served in the wrong glass.
Later, Capt. Lee and Niko have a pow wow about his little brother’s death after falling from a balcony and hitting his head. He was Niko’s best friend and now he’s gone and Niko could be a ticking time bomb this season or he could be the voice of reason. Time will tell.
It’s the following day and the deck hands will be inflating a rock climbing wall, a slide, two sea bobs, for after the beach BBQ. Bruno struggles to unhook a the slide and Brianna hurts her hand as she jumps into the boat to help relieve Kate at the BBQ.
And that’s it for the first episode. No word if the guests were happy. No word if they tipped well. No word if Brianna’s wrist is broken. But my guess is the first to be fired will be Bruno. And spoiler alert: Kate does the nasty with a man who resembles Jesus. Praise the Lord!