Episode 9

Hot Mess Express

We are back with Below Deck and the Hot Mess Express from Texas, y’all! The main charter guests are a couple celebrating their engagement, but the crew has a joke that they are grandfather/daughter, bless their hearts. Speaking of hearts, hopefully G-Pa has got his meds with him. Kate has only known the guests for ten minutes and she already hates them. Which means we love them!

Matt the chef explains the upcoming menu, but who cares, they will be drinking their meals. Hey y’all let’s start the party and pump up the jams. Like, today, y’all. If only the crew knew where the jams where. Nico makes a snide comment about female workers who can’t find the music speaker, “Duh, they aren’t hired for their brains.” Neither are you, Nico. But the good news is the charter guests like Jen. Like, really, really like, Jen. Yay, Jen! And here she was feeling left out.

So it’s five o’clock and the fiancé is on her third swim suit change. Woo-hoo bring on the shots. Let’s dance – even though there isn’t any music. But the food is A-Maze-Ing, said the drunk people who would love burnt leather at this point. In fact, the fiancé loves the food so much she now wants a chef, this chef, to come home with them. What does grandpa say? Sure! Yay, we like G-Pa.

Tonight there will be a pajama party on the top deck, under the stars, with lots and lots of cushions and alcohol. Meanwhile, Jen is getting sexually harassed by one of the female guests and her husband who has a crush on her, has trapped Jen in their room, and won’t let her leave until the guest shows off her old titties. But this is yachting, so get used to it or go home, Jen!

Day two of the charter from hell, the guests are moving a little slow. But that’s okay, give them time. Hair of the dog is all they need. Today the guests will be spending the day at the beach and with water sports. Kate hopes keeping them occupied will encourage them to drink less. But she is wrong. Yay!

The guests are ready to go to the beach but the beach is not ready for them. Nico and the guys should shut their mouths about the women workers because they are slow as molasses. Like Capt. Lee said, it’s not rocket science. But breaking the tent is. They are clearly in over their heads. The natives are getting restless and fixin’ to complain.

Off they go to the beach. It’s bubble time, but they suck, like A.F. y’all. And we’re not talking champagne. Although it took longer than a snakes belly to get to the beach, the guests are ready to go back to the boat. And after getting dolled for dinner, the guests toast grandpa for working so hard to pay for his fiancé this cruise. Meanwhile, Capt. Lee is very disappointed in Nico and his attempt at bosun for the day. Haha!

The teddy bear someone brought has joined the guests at the head of the table while one of the female guests feels up Jen’s ass. The same guest stumbles into the kitchen for more alcohol and Jen places her hand on this woman’s hip to steady her, giving mixed messages. Good thing the woman is too drunk to notice. A day of drinking in the sun takes a toll, and the guests go to bed early. Boo! We want them to keep on partying like rock stars.

The booze cruise is coming to an end – or is it? There’s no dock available and the Valor is on stand bye. In order to get rid of the guests, they will drop anchor and tender the guests in. The crew gathers for guest departure. So long, y’all! Here’s a big wad of cash to pay for our sins. Yee-haw, they’re gone!

Kate and Brianna tell Jen what a great job she did, putting up with the sexual harassment, and all. Jen is flattered by their praises and hopes this happens again and again. Capt. Lee calls for a meeting and tells the crew that some of them are just treading water and not advancing with their skills. (He’s talking to you, Nico.) The tip is only $18K and definitely cheap for Texans where everything is supposed to be bigger and better.

Nico’s older brother, Josh, arrives on the Valor and is introduced to everyone. Jen thinks he’s cute and might consider him as a potential future ex-lover. They crew is spending the day on Coco beach on St. Martin. The brothers McFly chat about how their mother is coping, how Nico is upset with EJ usurping his role, his breakup with Melissa, and his new romance with Bri. Brother Josh isn’t encouraging of this new romance and is worried that Nico is running away. But Baker and Nico have a special bond, so there.

EJ and Baker are cozying up – somewhat – until he gets a case of “sand in the eyes.” That old trick to keep women who scare him away. Nico’s plan is to get trashed and everybody else seems to be on board with that plan too. Back on the yacht, EJ tells Josh to wash his feet because they are black and disgusting like everyone else’s. And it’s go time, Brothers vs. Cool Beans. Who will win? My money’s on the brothers.

Tune in next time for another effed up cruise with chef Matt under the cooking gun. Tell me what you think of the season so far? Are you loving it or seasick? Who do you want more from? Who do you want thrown over board? Or are you just  plain bored. Sound off below!

Missed last week’s Below Deck? Check it out here.

RECAP: Below Deck – Epi 9 “Hot Mess Express”
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