Talls and Smalls debate current events that are sometimes difficult and other times amusing. *Warning-The thoughts and opinions of Talls and Smalls do not necessarily reflect MyComedyTherapy. We make no promises to the accuracy, completeness, significance, or validity of their comments. People, it’s a giraffe and a donkey having a conversation with opposing viewpoints. Please don’t sue us.

Date: August 6, 2017

Topic: Is There Chaos in the White House

Talls

Does a hippo shit everywhere? Hell yes there’s chaos in the White House. People getting fired every day, claims of fake news, Russia calling the shots, will there or won’t there be a wall, and don’t get me started on health care. Nothing is getting done in Washington because of all this chaos. How is this even a topic for debate?  

Smalls

While I agree that as of late there have been some mishegas, how can it be considered chaotic when chaotic is the new normal? See what I’m saying? There has been chaos from day one. Remember the allegation that Trump’s inauguration was the most attended of all time? And remember last week’s hiring and firing of The Mooch, otherwise known as late night comic’s short-lived gift? It’s how they roll. So I agree with you for once, why is this a topic for debate?

Talls

Pa-lease. Remember when Trump criticized Obama for taking vacations? Well look who’s taking a 17-day vacation now. Trump needs it because of the chaos. You’d think he’d want to put that health care thing first. Maybe take Congress on a field trip to one of his many resorts and settle this thing over a game of golf. Best score wins! But instead Trump will call it a “working” vacation and claim he’s getting lots done, when all he’s really doing is begging Melania not to swat his hand in public.

Smalls

Oy vey, the man doesn’t know what a vacation is. Does Trump look like a man capable of relaxing? No. He’s too busy eating and crafting the art of the deal. He is by definition a workaholic. Even though they are calling it a “vacation” he is spending quality time with his family since they are all about to be charged with treason. And let’s not forget, creating such sophisticated and knowledgeable tweets is hard work.

Talls

Total chaos point number three: Jeff Sessions. It’s serious business to accuse Russia of meddling in our election. When you nominate a guy to handle the biggest attorney office in the nation and he knows ahead of time he can’t handle the biggest case he’ll face, but doesn’t say so, that’s chaotic. That’s also bullshit, messed up, and certifiable.

Smalls

I have three words for you: Highest StockMarket Ever. Marinade in that. Sure, more than 50% of Americans aren’t even in the stock market and the rich are getting richer and the middle class is carrying everyone on their backs, but understand, this is how the first year of any new administration goes. There’s a predictability with it. Reagan, Clinton, Carter, Nixon, all had wrinkles that needing ironing, kind of like a newborn elephant. As it grows, things eventually fit.

Talls

Here’s what adds to the chaos, wasting time passing stupid stuff like banning transgenders in the military? They say they cost too much money in medication? Chile, we all know the military spends five-times that on Viagra. Trump’s message is that their service doesn’t matter when it does. And here in the animal kingdom we’ve got plenty of trans. Ever heard of a zebroid? A liger? How about the clown fish? Think how boring this planet would be without them. So know this, the White House is like a freshly kicked ant hill.

Smalls

Thank you for proving my point. Trump is getting things done. Why, by the time his four years are up you won’t even recognize America. And just because the fake news media has been reporting that Trump’s White House is chaotic, doesn’t make it so. But not to worry, they’ll get to the bottom of who’s been leaking. My money’s on the monkeys. In the meantime, they are busy, busy, making American great again.

Tune in next time when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

Date: June 10, 2017

Topic: Should We Build the Wall

Talls

Absolutely! And for the record, there’s nothing racist about marking territories. Imagine if we didn’t have fences and walls here at the zoo. Hell, there wouldn’t be a gazelle left.  You need fences, and maybe not every mile between California and Texas, some stretches are so dangerous, if the refugees survive, heck, they should probably be permitted to stay.  But seriously, death is a real possibility when people make the decision to flee one county and enter another illegally either on foot or in packed van with no ventilation. Believe you me, I have seen the bodies, because of my long neck, and let me tell you, it’s not a pretty sight.

Smalls

Oy vey, I can give you 9 billion reasons not to build a wall. For one, we cannot refuse unaccompanied minors. We have a moral obligation to accept them until other arrangements are made, or they turn 18 and we can kick them out legally. Building a wall is a waste of time, too. The human spirit will find a way to adjust. If the gaps between  the wall is three inches, the drugs will be packaged in three inches. But there’s something else to consider, when you build a wall, you are not only keeping people out, you are keeping people in.

Talls

Chile please, that won’t work. You don’t know who you’re letting in. We need fences and walls if for no other reason than to serve as a deterrent to keep out the bad hombres. Have you ever had a bad hombre? Yuck. All the ketchup in the world can’t save it. So we need to build a state-of-the-art, super high fence with surveillance cameras, drones, dogs, rifles, helicopters, and a first rate communication system. This will keep out those who wish to do us harm.  Two birds, one wall.

Smalls

Can we manage our borders without building a wall? Yes we can! Spending that kind of money is just plain stupid. It’s one thing to be stubborn, but not stupid. You need to understand many of these border towns have a functioning occupational relationship with American citizens. And when jobs are provided it sustains economic growth and communities on both sides of the border can thrive. We can do this without walls.

Talls

No. We need walls. All we have to do talk to the good folks in Israel. These people know a thing or two about a good fence. In fact, they don’t have just one fence, but two. We should do that, too. It’ll give us a double-layer of protection. I mean, why not build two walls? Think of all the jobs it’ll create.

Smalls

That’s mishegas, what’s next? A bubble? A wall won’t solve every problem. With the use of drones and planes, tunnels or ladders, or animals with really long necks, smuggling will continue to exist.

Talls

The wall is a symbol that you cannot come to America if you wish to do us harm. Stay out or go find another place to live. But time is running out. Currently 65 other countries have built walls surrounding their land, so the clock is ticking on places to go. And once again, America has fallen behind in the rankings.

Smalls

Having a wall is like having a tractor. You have to maintain the tractor. You have to constantly work and make repairs on the tractor. You cannot ignore the tractor and think it’s just going to work all by itself. You must spend money and attend to the daily upkeep because if you don’t, that tractor will fail and you will have lost your investment. When all you needed to do is eat the grass all day long, every day. The math is simple.

Tune in next time when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

Date: February 13, 2017

Topic: The Pros and Cons of Celebrating Valentine’s Day

Talls

I think it’s more important to show your love 365/24/7 unless it’s a leap year than to focus on one day. Just kidding! Of course Valentine’s Day means a lot to me! Everyone wants to be thought of on this day. Nothing much. Nice flowers. Fine twigs. Sweet Potatoes from my sweet potato, know what I’m saying. Just that something extra than the typical day when our sweeties should be doing special stuff for us as well.

Smalls

It’s a day contrived by the greeting card companies to get you to spend money. And it’s the media’s fault. Why back in my day, a simple made-in-America Snoopy Valentine’s card was enough. But now you want expensive jewelry, fancy meals, and trips to Paris. It’s not enough that we love you to the moon and back, now you actually want the moon. But not me. I won’t be suckered into this trap, so don’t get me anything.

Talls

I wasn’t going to. I’m just saying in life we needs a little pick-me-up from time to time. The monotony of eating leaves and looking at those weird little faces who come to see us gets a little boring. But it’s nice to have a day when everyone wears pink or red. And I don’t know about you, but I loves it when the twigs and leaves are shaped like a heart. That’s so special.

Smalls

I’ll give them something in the shape of a heart, keeping in mind the devil is in the details. And so is the sugar rush from all the cookies, cupcakes and chocolate. It’s enough to make me sick. And think about the person who gets bupkes? Sucks to be them…though I wouldn’t know what that feels like because I can’t keep the ladies away with a branch.

Talls

I doubt that, that’s why it’s important to focus on giving and not receiving. Bring that Snoopy card to everyone in your G-house, or in your case, the shed, and spread the love. Choose not to be stubborn for just one day.

Smalls

Just one day? You also asked me not to be stubborn on Christmas. Now you want Valentine’s Day and next you’ll probably want Fourth of July. When is enough, enough? This year’s Snoopy card leads to next year’s sparkle. More, more, more, hay, hay, hay. Oy vey, when will it end?

Talls

Two weeks later when it’s Mardi Gras!

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

 

Date: January 7, 2017

Topic: New Year’s Resolutions: More Harm Than Good

Talls

First let me say, Happy New Year’s. Sorry we’ve been away so long, but it took forever to wake up Smalls. Something about hibernating even though he isn’t one of those animals who hibernates, he’s just lazy. Anyway, about this here New Year’s Resolution debate. In a word, yes, we should always have resolutions for ourselves – even though we typically quit nine days later. What’s important is that we took the time to reflect on our year and make adjustmenta to better ourselves. For example, this past year I was only out of my house 50% of the time, but I’m going to try and get out in the fresh air a little more often, maybe 55%. It’s tough, no denying. Usually I think I’m doing really well in winter, but when the weather gets warmer those noisy kids with their weird faces start coming around and then I go back into my house. However maybe this year it’ll stick.

Smalls

You go right ahead. My resolution is to not make a resolution. I’m not wasting my precious time I could be eating grass to doing something ridonkulous like eating less grass. Do you know how hard it is to accomplish a resolution? First you have to pick something you want to change about yourself which takes time – time I could be eating grass. Then you have to figure out what steps are needed to achieve the chosen resolution. And then, when you fail, and you will, you’ll feel like crap. Why feel like crap when I could be happily eating grass. Who needs that?

Talls

You are so stubborn. Resolutions promote positive change. Like not eating so much grass or killing the field mice or spitting on the kids, but it’s good to make the attempt for positive changes. That’s what moves us up the food chain. But I will grant you, there are some dumb resolutions out there. For instance, I heard one of the top resolutions is to drink less. Chile, that just makes no sense to me. How am I supposed to survive if I drink less? Do you know I could die if I don’t drink enough? Hell, after two days I wouldn’t be able to hold my neck up. So that’s just stupid. I mean, I get not wanting get fat, and Smalls, that’s something you should look into, but you don’t get fat drinking water.

Smalls

Oy vey, it’s not water you shmendrik. You know the rotting oranges that make me silly, the kind that makes me take a nap, the kind that we need to keep away from the elephants, that’s what we’re talking about here, not water. Wake up and smell the water – and if you do smell it, don’t drink it.

Talls

Who you calling a shmendrik? Resolutions are good for the spirit. Good for renewing hope. Good for the gym and diet industry. There’s all kinds of good things happening with resolutions.

Smalls

What are you, slow? Nothing good comes from setting resolutions. Who needs that added pressure in life? The only good to come out of it will be my sense of procrastination. Now, it we were to put this off July they’d stand a much better chance of being successful. I’m just too busy in January.

Talls

It’s not called a Fourth of July resolution, you ass. It’s a New Year’s resolution.

Smalls

I know you said you wanted to spend more time outside, but it’s time for you to go back into your house. And prove me right.

Check back in a couple of weeks when Talls and Smalls debate yet another current event.

Crop T&S w necklaceDate: November 12, 2016

Topic: Living in a Post-Election World

Talls

Even though I did not see this coming, nor did anyone, not even the so-called experts, Lord have mercy, hope is not dead or lost, it’s just a little misplaced. You see, here’s what’s going to happen, sometime within the first two years, Trump will either resign or get impeached. That’s right. You heard me. And not the kind of impeaching that Clinton got after the Monica Lewinsky debacle where he still remained in office. No. I’m talking about the kind of impeaching Nixon got for Watergate. The kind of impeaching where you go live in exile, like animals who get cast out from the herd. So stay strong and keep protesting, however ratchet down the rioting.

Smalls

Dear Millennials – Get Over It! I’m sorry that you couldn’t get as organized as the uneducated white guy that lives in rural America. Boo-hoo. This is what happens when you give a kid a trophy just for showing up. You kill their instinct to survive. And the rioting? Oy vey, quit your kvetching. It’s the same mentality as sports fans looting in the streets after and win or a loss – because they do both. Calm down, let me tell you what’s going to happen, so listen carefully. Are you ready? Not a damn thing. The wall? The Iran Nuclear deal? Trading with China? Not a damn thing. He’ll be lucky to do something with the economy and healthcare. My advice is stop the rioting and go on with your life, nothing’s going to change in your day to day world – at least not for four years.

Talls

Oh is that right? And you want him to repeal Obamacare and let millions of Americans go without health insurance. The first thing insurance companies will do is try to deny preexisting conditions. And if they’re successful I’m going to have a heck of a time finding coverage. Let me tell you, it’ll be a real pain in my neck. And I’ll be honest, I’m a little scared, our President-elect was a reality TV host who got fired.  

Smalls

Why don’t you liberals go take a walk and smell the roses? Let us do the heavy lifting now. Twelve years ago you wanted change. Now it’s our turn to create change. The thing is, whatever the outcome, we will prevail. It’s in our DNA. You think things were easy 250 years ago? They weren’t. There was no healthcare system back then so when you settled your disputes by duel the likely outcome was death because there was only so much a doctor could do.

Talls

We are stilling having duels in the street, though now it’s with AR-15’s. Yes we were better off back then even if our life expectancy is half of what it is now. But you’re right. We are resilient and we will overcome. You see, here’s my prediction, something huuuge is going to happen. Know what I’m saying? It’ll be huuuge. Could be an assassination or it could be an invasion by aliens, and not the illegal kind, but something big is going to happen that stops us in our tracks, yet pull us together as one.  You heard it here first.

Smalls

That’s mishegas! Don’t say that. Men in black suits who speak into their wrists will take you away and you’ll never have to worry about a neck problems again. I said it before and I’ll say it again, nothing is going to happen. He’s going to pick very smart people to surround himself with. If you want to worry about someone, worry about Melania. Our new First Lady is harder to understand that a West Virginia redneck. Seriously, I need subtitles to understand her.

Talls

Well there’s something we can agree with because if she wants to make online bullying her official pet project, just remember, charity begins at home. Good luck to our great nation, whatever the future holdss.

Smalls

Agreed. Mazel tov to everyone – no matter your place in the food chain.

Check back in a couple of weeks when Talls and Smalls debate another current event.

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Date: September 22, 2016

Topic: Pros and Cons of Compulsory Voting

Talls

This is such an important discussion. People who have a compulsion to vote are not right in the head. You can only vote once people!

Smalls

Oy vey.  Compulsory. Not compulsion. Look it up. It’s mandatory voting, you too-tall freak of nature.

Talls

Well why didn’t you say that in the first place. Mandatory, or as you call it, compulsory voting is a terrible idea. It violates our freedom of choice. If you choose not to vote, don’t vote. Of course, you abdicate the right to complain, but it’s more important to respect the right to be lazy and not choose. Why just last week there was a vote on unlimited visits with us during park hours. Personally, I think everyone needs a break, but like the idea of unlimited leaves and twigs. So, I didn’t vote for two reasons: 1) they didn’t ask me to and 2) did I mention the leaves and twigs? But here’s an important question, how are we going to enforce this? Fine? Jail? Wi-fi? Don’t be cutting my wi-fi.

Smalls

Do you know how many people died so you could vote? Do you know how many people made sacrifices so you could vote? And I’m not talking about creating thousands and thousands of jobs, tens of thousands of jobs, building great structures, whose overall sacrifices made have been “being successful.” I’m talking about increasing voter turnout with compulsory voting. I’m talking about forced participation on the direction of our country. Build a wall? Let the people vote on that, not just congress. Yes. Compulsory voting is the only way to go to broaden representation.  It’s for the greater good.

Talls

Donkey, please! Greater good, my neck. This will have the reverse effect. Do you remember a time called prohibition? Of course you do. You’re an old ass donkey. Prohibition increased alcoholism, crime and death. Now, I’m not saying mandatory voting will have this same cause and effect, but it won’t be good for moral. And people will lose interest. They have to find their passion for their country on their own. Look at all the passion in the Middle East. Glad And where to next? Mandatory religion?

Smalls

Don’t be ridonkulous. We are only talking about voting on federal, state, county, city, neighborhood, church and school matters. How simple is that!  And this will encourage people to give a damn and that “America Matters!” Which is what I’m pushing for Trump to change his campaign motto to. The “Make America Great Again” is looking unlikely at this point.

Talls

It’s your fundamental right not to get in the way of others. And if you want to make a statement, give your vote to Jill Stein. Or sit at home and eat leaves and twigs. It’s your right. 

Smalls

But it’s your duty to get off your ass and vote. I outta know.

 

Check back soon to see Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: August 20, 2016

Topic: Clinton or Trump? Who will make a worse president?

Talls

This is easy, so let me first say I’m happy to be back. I visited a few relatives this summer and let me tell you, a few of them live in zoos. Hire a maid, would you? Now onto the topic, hooves down Trump will be a worse president. The only people he hasn’t offended are the rats. Firstly, two words: foreign policy. Trump doesn’t have one except Putin in his kangaroo pocket. And as soon as Putin hits on Melania, oh lorty, the verbal assault will begin, and Trump will pick up his Hot Wheels and Barbie, and go home. He is not presidential, which brings me to reason number two he will make a worse president. Trump actually thinks he’s charming, but he’s a “How Not to Be Presidential” course at Trump University.

Smalls

Oy vey. The lengths in which you will go. The answer, especially when it comes to foreign policy, is Clinton will be a worse president. Why? Because she’s already proven it. Iraq, Libya. Syria. She’s already demonstrated her ability to be secretive, deceptive, and non-transparent. Why would we want more of that? And furthermore, anyone who uses a teleprompter can’t be trusted. Each speech is crafted and rehearsed for each crowd, saying what the people want to hear. Free college? Can’t wait for that promise to be retracted. Here’s the point, you need to wing it with your speeches.

Talls

Wing it? Lookie hear, Trump is doomed to make mistakes. It’s just the mother nature of the beast. And those mistakes will affect the economy. He’s going to bring back American jobs? Really? Except for his companies working the landscaping crew, right? Do you realize how much a television will cost if made in America? Try ten-K, and I’m not talking carrots. This job belongs to a taxidermist, not a creative barber.

Smalls

I don’t even know what that means, but what we need is someone who will make this company great again…I mean country great again. Someone who knows the art of the deal, when it’s time to get tough, to think big and kick ass, how to think like a champion, and who will give us the America we deserve, not so much, Trump 101, of course, but someone who can get things done like having others “collaborate” on a few books with you.

Talls

Donkey, please! I can do that, too. Hillary has made some hard choices in her life and it took a village, so don’t get me started. The facts are, I’m with her for a reason. And that reason is diplomacy. The woman’s got that down. She’ll amp up the military presence, but only after they other’s have been warned. Trump will just put America for sale on Ebay, when the people have turned their backs, because blaming the media didn’t work.

Smalls

Let’s talk First Gentleman. Neigh, neigh, neigh. I can’t even say that with a straight face. How much is Clinton going to charge for his speeches now? And don’t tell me the shmendrik won’t. Have you heard his voice? He’s losing it. He’ll want to make all he can, while he can. I’m sure he’ll set these oppurtunites up on his private email server.  

Talls

Let’s talk First Lady, why don’t we. Will her charity be high-fashion for the low-class? Can’t wait. Perhaps she’ll want to help world peace, through a new jewelry line of peace signs, assembled by expats living in China. Bling will cost extra, but think of all the seven years-olds with great jobs.

Smalls

What about Hillary’s health? I’ve heard she’s suffering from a complicated illness that causes her to laugh like a horse, though I’m not so sure what’s wrong with that. 

Check back in a couple of weeks when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: July 16, 2016

Topic: Do Pets Really Have a Secret Life

Talls

Hell yeah they do! You think we’re just pining away until a human shows up? I’ll have you know I’ve got things to do in between visits by those little humans who like to point, yell and lately run around looking at their phones. I have to giggle just a bit when one of them falls down. But I lead a very full life aside from eating leaves, lettuce and sweet potatoes. For example, just last week I held a meeting with the other herd members about not pooping where you stand. You need to go over to the designated dirt on the side of the very tall house and do your business there.

Smalls

My secret life revolves around sleeping. And eating. And then sleeping and eating. But don’t forget grazing, because I love that, too, but that’s not exactly a secret.

Talls

Another part of my very busy, secret life is exercise. Anyone can graze all day, but when you put a little effort into it, and walk laps, you reach a higher pinnacle of physical fitness. Do you know what my neck would look like if I let it sag?

Smalls

Oy vey. Your vanity is the only secret you have. I understand being misunderstood. Do you know humans find me to be stubborn? Mishegas, right? But they do. It all started after a relative of mine, a long time ago, couldn’t move forward. The inside scoop is an angel was blocking his path and gave him the ability to speak. But we all know it was the “special” grass he was eating that day.

Talls

The other part of my secret life is looking at nature. It’s great. There’s something always going on. My fav is when the clouds roll in. I don’t like the rain much, or the thunder or those flashes. I hates those flashes. I go inside my house when I see those flashes, but I like the fluffy clouds.

Smalls

I don’t like loud noises. But again, that’s not a secret. I do have one secret I just remembered. I like to find fences that are down and gates that are open. That’s fun. Other than that, I’m okay with not being some complicated creature. And don’t get me wrong, I like to be petted every now and then, especially by my lady friends, but grazing’s kind of my shtick.

Talls

Lady friends? You ain’t got no lady friends. And it ain’t my fault you ain’t got no secret life. Some of us are more sophisticated than others. Don’t thank me, thank Mother Nature.

Smalls

Fine. But I believe they call people with secret lives sociopaths. Of course, what do I know? I’m just a stubborn donkey.

Tune in next time when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: July 4, 2016

Topic: Fireworks: To ban or not to ban?

Talls

Let me tell you, I am against fireworks. They scare me, Lord have mercy, what with their booming, sudden noises. Startles the kids and can create a stampede. Aren’t the stars and moon pretty enough? Do we have to risk blowing off an appendage? Because let’s get real, last year there were over 12,000 injuries due to ignorance mixed with alcohol   and explosives. That’s a recipe for disaster!

Smalls

I love the smell of combustible chemicals in the morning. Or night, if that’s the case, which it usually is. Fireworks are a necessary symbolism to celebrate patriotic and religious events. Should it be left to professionals? Perhaps. Adults? Absolutely. But, oy vey, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Talls

Lookie here, spending $50,000 for something that’s going to last 20 minutes is not a great idea unless everyone has enough food and water, first and foremost. And speaking of water, make sure you have plenty of it nearby when the hay catches fire. You’re lucky if it’s only a dwelling that gets burned and not your fur. Why risk it? Ban it! I’m actually thinking of getting t-shirts printed up with this saying. Can I get you one, Smalls? What size are you? A small?

Smalls

Very funny. First of all, stop your kvetching. That is money well spent in the name of community spirit. Good people and good food is always a good combination. As for the total banning of fireworks, I have one word for you: Prohibition. See how well that turned out. Learn from our mistakes, I say. If someone blows off a finger or a hoof, guess what, they won’t make that mistake again.

Talls

Safety should be common sense, but it’s not, so we need to protect people from themselves. More regulations will help.

Smalls

Power to the people. Cities have the power to ban it, and that’s the way it should stay. More regulations will only force the illegal sales of fireworks. 

Talls

Listen, I can help. I can see the fireworks from a distance and help police apprehend the offenders. There’s a reason God gave me a long neck, and I believe that’s one of the reasons. 

Smalls

I believe He gave you a long neck so you can’t hear everyone laughing because of how funny you look.

Check back in  a few weeks when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: June 21, 2016

Topic: Are Social Media Sites Good or Bad for Society

Talls

Well I actually had to do some research on this because I think social media is stupid, but needed some facts to prove my point. So, here are some of those statisticals that people seem to like. Did you know that 27% of people get their news from social media sights, who I will from this point on call sm’s? Can you believe that? I mean, if it’s on the internet it must be true. And did you know that 10% of people under 25 check their sm during sex? Eww. People be weird. When there is a rush to judgment before facts are verified, the information is likely to be incorrect. And for those in school, kids who study while using sm, scores are 20% lower. Am I making myself heard?  

Smalls

You want statistics? A hundred percent of people who do not keep up get lost. Here’s what you do. You learn new technology. I may not look like it, but I am verse in the latest advances. Take the flip-phone. I know we no longer use that device. And when you don’t keep up, you age. Only an L-7 doesn’t keep up.

Talls

Besides spreading false information, the sm allows predators, like the alligator, Lord, don’t get me started on the alligator. Been getting my family members just minding our own business, drinking water.

Smalls

Talls, oy vey, we’re talking about social media. Stay on topic.

Talls

That’s right, we were. Besides predators, you are opening yourself to impersonation and fraud. I once had a reindeer try to impersonate me. Really? Spraying yourself with darker dirt doesn’t make you me. And yet, he tried. But what are you gonna do? What if he tells Santa you’ve been naughty? Tough situation, that’s why we need more laws. It’s the only way things get better, when you instill the laws of the jungle.

Smalls

Let’s talk possibilities. When you need to get the word out, like a lost kid, do you know how long it takes by smoke signals? SM has the power to go viral, sometimes the most insignificant stuff catches on. And about those laws you want more of, sm aide’s law enforcement. They can exchange information quicker and time makes a difference in catching a criminal, don’t be a mishegas, the last thing you want is a scent to go dry. And lastly, as far as students are concerned, their assignments are on those information boxes and tablets anyway. So keep up.

Talls

Assignments are not on sm, but bullying is. And did you know one of the top listed reason for divorce is use of that damn sm stuff. Reconnecting with childhood friends? Not a good idea. If they aren’t in your life, they aren’t in your life. It’s a jungle out there. And guess what else? Remember that time that you made a mistake three years ago and it was caught on tape by your so called best friend? Your future employer can now learn about it too, changing the course of history. Or herstory.

Smalls

For every negative you kvetch about, I can give you a positive. What about crowdsourcing? Need money for an idea or operation? Need a job? What’s the number one way employers announce help wanted? And finally, the fastest growing demographic is seniors. That’s right, we’re taking over.

Check back in a few weeks when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: May 29, 2016

Topic: Should Bernie Sanders Drop Out

Talls

It breaks my heart, but the short answer is yes. It’s time for the rhino to sing and the sun to set and the man to retire. He’s about the same age as a tortoise, right? And whether the primaries are rigged or just plain stupid, it is what it is. But let’s face it, y’all, Bernie had a great run. Getting the middle man to pay for his campaign and not taking a red cent from the PAC’s or Wall Street – genius! And it’s not like Bernie really thought he was going to win the democratic nomination. Hell, an antelope has a better chance of outrunning a lion, but the more time spent on this,is time away from torpedoing Trump. And that is the mission from here on out, folks.

Smalls

Excuse me while I choke on some hay, but Bernie should stay in the race. Seriously, he is helping Hilary in a left-handed kind of way when you think of it. Like that debate with Trump, what’s up with that? It was Trump’s idea in the first place. Then he said he was only interested if the networks contributed $10 million to charities to “support women’s health” – like he really cares. The only one he’s familiar with is their monthly curse. But sadly, Trump backed out. Bernie needs to stay in it to win it – not that he’s going to win it, but he’s the only one not in it for his ego.

Talls

Are you switching sides, Smalls? But you bring up a very important point. Do we want an indecisive president for our country? Oh, hell no. What’s next? We’re not building a wall? We’re not taking out Isis? I mean, the man can’t even control his rally’s, like he’s gonna be able to control Putin? Lord help up all. At least with Hilary we know what we’re getting – four more years of Obama.

Smalls

We’re getting a shrinking middle class, oy vey, that’s what we’re getting. And no I’m not switching sides. Why do people always assume that I’m a democrat just because I’m a donkey? They’re the ass, not me. It’s time for Hilary to drop out so she can focus on her upcoming indictment. However, I wasn’t born yesterday and even though the (not so) super delegates seem to be on Hilary’s side, they switched sides eight years ago from her to Obama, and even with that, I don’t think Bernie has a chance. But I say stay in, damage the Democratic Party just like the Republican Party was damaged at the beginning of the primaries.

Talls

It’s time for Bernie to drop out and for Hilary to make her pivot. Imagine a plane on a short runway. Or an eagle sitting with the turkeys. That’s where Hilary is right now. She can’t get organized and therefore the Democratic Nominee can’t get organized. By Bernie staying in, he is enforcing disorganization among the Democratic organization. It’s time for them to eat their (not so) young.

Smalls

Bernie’s only hope is to switch to a third party. Should he do it? Why not. The two-person debate is so boring. I really want to see Trump, Hilary and Bernie discuss foreign policy. Hilary will talk about her plan. Bernie will point out the flaws in said plan. And Trump will just start calling everyone disgusting liars without offering plan of his own. It will be great.

Talls

That will most likely not happen, but I’ll admit, I’d like to see that debate as well. Or at least the wonderful skits SNL will be able to create for our additional viewing pleasure.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: May 7, 2016

Topic: The Presumptive Republican Nominee

Talls

Lord have mercy, it must be snowing at the equator. They said it wouldn’t happen and look what happened – it happened. Trump will be the republican nominee. Ms. Ronda the Hippo is singing and the angels are weeping. Guess who I blame? Gov. John Kasich, that’s who. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was in Trump’s back pocket. He had no chance to win, but stayed in, and screwed it up for Cruz. And what does Kasich do? Admits defeat the day after Cruz suspends his campaign. Really Einstein? You finally figured out you had no chance to win even though everyone kept telling you that. Now we’ve got to endure Trump flapping his gums and hair for the next six month.

Smalls

Oy vey, the key word is “presumptive.” He hasn’t won over the #NeverTrump-ers and there’s no guarantee they’ll vote for him at this summer’s convention. However, they better get in line or this will be the end of the GOP. If they stay divided or vote for a third party, they might as well hand Hillary the keys to the White House – though I believe she never gave back the set she previously had. It’s time to rally around Trump, like it or not. Even though this won’t make America great again.

Talls

I’ve heard other options are to not vote. Un-American! In fact, I want to propose that any elected officials who don’t vote be cast out. Why don’t you just burn the Constitution right now? Bring it over to my house, we can line the stalls with it. Heck, I’m still waiting for Trump to be presidential now that he loves Hispanics. It’s time for the Republicans to unite, though really I don’t care. Hillary Clinton will eventually, sooner or later, one these days, in due course, at the end of the day, by the middle of summer, win the democratic nomination.

Smalls

Hear me out. If from here on out, the citizens of America don’t vote, Trump can’t claim the nominee and this will force a new vote. Cruz used the carefully phrased word “suspend” his campaign for a reason. I think he plans to interject his name again at the convention when Trump doesn’t secure the magic number of 1,237.

Talls

Cruz isn’t just playing possum, the man is deader than an armadillo in the middle of the road. The buzzards are flying over his cartoon head. And it says a lot when the third man in line, the speaker of the house, isn’t “ready to back Trump.” When will you be ready Mr. Ryan, when his hand is on the bible and he’s taking his oath at the inauguration? No wonder nothing gets done in Washington.

Smalls

Let me just forewarn you, if Trump does not win the nomination and he has reached the magic number of delegates, prepare for rioting. I mean, we are talking about Cleveland. But, for the sake of argument, let’s talk about Trump’s running mate. The sooner he announces who this will be, the sooner the RNC has a chance to unite. It they can’t get behind Trump, maybe people will support the VP, who could be an actual grown up.

Talls

There’s been lots of mumbling about a third-party candidate. Good luck with that. There’s not enough time for Americans to get to know anyone with experience for the job. And not Paul Ryan. The man had to be begged to take the Speaker of the House position. Here’s the new slogan for republicans: Vote Trump and Keep America Less Than Average. Seriously, this is a guy who gets his news from the National Enquirer.

Smalls

I’m just saying, if Trump does become President, keep the red button away from him.

Talls

Finally we agree on something!

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: April 23, 2016

Topic: In Honor of 4:20 – Should Marijuana Be Legalized

Talls

Here’s the thing, I like leaves. All kinds. And these in particular leaves are good for many ailments, especially when you think you’re going to hurl. After you eat it, you can sit around and relax. And sometimes I’m hungry again, so bonus! It’s good because it’s natural. The crap doctors prescribe is ten times more toxic.

Smalls

Okay, I’m going to stop you right there. Don’t scare people away from what their doctors prescribe. Sick people need pills. And shots. And whatever works. No stone unkicked, is what I say. And I like grass myself, but avoid it if it smells like a skunk peed on it. Make no mistake, marijuana is a dangerous drug. And when you are already putting so much stuff into your system to get better, why add more?

Talls

If you don’t mind, I will continue now. The classification of this s0-called “drug” needs to be downgraded and not punishable with jail time. Pay a fine, if you must. The health benefits outweigh the concerns. Let the police fight crime in other, more serious areas.

Smalls

Okay, I’m going to stop you right there, again. Health benefits? Oy vey. It impairs learning and interferes with memory, perception, and judgment. Let’s talk glaucoma. For over thirty years, the National Eye Institute supported research on those “health benefits” and they got bupkes. Not one of the studies demonstrated that a little Green Jolly could help more than the currently prescribed medications.

Talls

All right, let’s talk about health risks. There’s no link to marijuana smoke and lung cancer or emphysema. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, because it’s safer than a day in the city. Do you know how much pollution you’re sucking in at the zoo? In the middle of the city? You live on a ranch. Must be nice to have fresh air.

Smalls

It is nice. But you are wrong if you don’t realize there’s a connection to a weakened immune system, not to mention bronchitis. And I’m not going to say it’s as bad as cigarettes, but you never know what Farmer Mary Jane sprays to get it to grow faster, better, stronger.

Talls

Let’s talk about cigarettes, why don’t we? Why in the heck are cigarettes legal and not those little funny ones? Makes no sense. It’s a scientific fact the brown ones will kill ya and the green ones make you forget about dying. That’s messed up.

Smalls

It’s called the Gateway Effect. And it’s real. Read a book instead of eating one. They try this and then they’re onto sniffing the manure. It’s a vicious cycle.

Talls

Not everyone who tries it goes onto the hard stuff. Here’s the reason the kids like grass – because it’s readily available. They can find practically everywhere; the backyard, the playground, or the school yard. That’s why it’s a gateway.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: April 16, 2016

Topic: Is College Worth the Money

Talls

My short answer is, it depends, and my long answer is, probably not. Unless you want to be a vet or a doctor, then maybe, but again, it depends. The crippling debt is enough to make my neck get into a kink. Hell, four years of drinking and partying and a liberal arts degree is pretty much worthless these days. Why not hit the ground running by learning a trade. If you ask me, college is not for everyone.

Smalls

Here’s the thing about college – it provides opportunity. How does someone know what they want to do if they haven’t been exposed to it? This way, you can explore options. Oy vey, in my family everyone is landscaper. And that’s fine, but if I knew more, I could have been a money manager. I am great at counting apples. I can just look into a barrel and tell how many are there. And the facts are, most people with college educations will earn more money over a lifetime than those without. And so what if you happen to have the time of your life while earning your degree…so be it. People need skills.

Talls

Yes they do. But, for many it makes more sense to go to a trade school and not be strapped down to learning a bunch of subjects that are just plain stupid. Like the history of video games. Or Kanye vs. The World. Are you kidding me? People have to pay for these classes? My two skills are keeping secrets and seeing bad weather from far away. Plus I know my way around a salt lick. And didn’t nobody teach me these. I came by them naturally. And little miss me wasn’t broke before I could wobble my way out into the world.

Smalls

What’s four years? And let’s not forget, these jobs that require degrees often come with benefits, and studies show people with benefits are healthier. Can you imagine if I had dental insurance? Why my teeth would be sparkling white. These chompers would annihilate an apple. And though I don’t know what “annihilate” actually means because I wasn’t fortunate enough to go to college, I’m pretty sure it means something good.

Talls

Here’s the thing, student debt will likely be our next financial crisis. When all these kids figure out that their degree of choice is worthless without a masters because the education system is being dilute, pretty soon these kids will cry “fraud” and just stop paying their loans. And just like the housing crisis, who’s going to bail us out this time?

Smalls

While there are scholarships out there to help, there are no guarantees in life. But if you want a top tier job, like that guy who sits in the air-conditioned office, you will most likely need some type of degree. And it’s okay if you get a degree in one area and then work in another area. You see, what a degree shows is that you were able to focus, commit, and complete this milestone. That piece of paper says you are a dedicated and determined individual.

Talls

Oh pa-leese. That piece of paper is a ticket to lazyville. Graduates think they are so above certain jobs and so instead of taking whatever they can get until their dream job is available, they sit at home and play video games, because they were educated on the history, don’t cha know. Until you get the job you really want, take any job you can get. College graduates are so entitled they feel shoveling shit is beneath them. And don’t get me started on all the successful dropouts – that Facebook guy, those computer geeks, countless chefs, actors and my fav, Walt Disney.

Smalls

Don’t even get me started listing famous billionaires who actually graduated. Some college is better than no college. And if you happen to meet a nice piece of ass…life is even better.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: April 9, 2016

Topic: Donald Trump’s Week Off For “Business”

Talls

Are you kidding me? He can’t take a week off. Not in the middle of a heated campaign like this. Who does that? Once again, Trump is not acting presidential. But believe me when I say “business” is not what he’s handling, that’s just smoke and mirrors. His people are freaking out and regrouping after his campaign manager man-handled a female reporter. What a mess. Keeping Trump out of the public eye so he can’t do further damage is brilliant. Punishing women? Seriously? I hope he meets a stampede of women in a dark alley.

Smalls

Yes. Things are a mess in the GOP. And yes he can take a week off. Many politicians take breaks. A campaign that isn’t constantly reassessing, is a campaign that’s losing. He’s not afraid to admit that people on his staff made a mistake. Here’s the thing. He’s got New York in the bag. New Yorkers hate Cruz. And Kasich who? There’s never a perfect time to take a break, but this is good enough for government work. It’s all about the magic number of 1,237.

Talls

Give Trump his summer sandals because he’s a flip-flopper. He once said that business is his greatest passion, as to why he wouldn’t run against Obama. The truth is he would have lost by a lot more than the hair in his head. He wasn’t ready to leave the private sector and it appears he’s still not ready. I’m sorry but he can’t go running off to save one of his casinos or golf resorts when there’s budgets to be balanced.

Smalls

Just so you know, Trump is to credit for Palm Beach society opening up to include the Jewish community. According to Trump. So, just think of what else this man could accomplish, if he ever really tried. And you don’t know he wasn’t conducting real business. The other two republican candidates are career politicians, but even they have papers to sign.

Talls

I’m surprised Trump has any business dealings left. Who hasn’t he alienated? And making his daughter get back to work ten days after having her newborn son. That right there tells you he doesn’t like women. And he probably isn’t for mandatory paid maternity leave either. Oh wait, maybe he is now, being a flip-flopper.

Smalls

Talk is Donald’s shtick. He can handle the media and that’s what’s happening. They are being played. Here’s how he did it: Trump took a one week break from the campaign trail and everyone is talking about him. Tail is wagging the dog, oy vey, you people will fall for anything.

Talls

So your argument is that Trump is deceiving us; he’s not really working on business; he lying and is really working on transforming his image, because that’s what it’s all about, showbiz. What kind of commander in chief is that?

Smalls

He’s kind of like Reagan and Schwarzenegger when you think about it. Actor turned politician. Coincidence that Arnold is replacing Donald on Celebrity Apprentice? I think not. But Donald will most likely be back on another reality show next year. Probably his own.

Talls

Let’s hope it’s not something like: White House Nights: Celebrity Edition.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: April 2, 2016

Topic: Pros and Cons of Unschooling

Talls

Best idea ever! Let me tell you, when your children are free-range, as mine are, this will give children leadership skills not found in a classroom. When my children want to learn about the rain, and that’s usually when it’s hitting them on their heads, I teach about rain. Curiosity will determine the structure. When they are curious about the bolts that light up the sky, and when to get inside, they learn it when curiosity strikes them, not the bolt. There is a self-motivating aspect to this kind of learning and it really sticks with them.

Smalls

This is a terrible idea! Here’s the thing, kids need guidance. What if they learned earlier to take cover before a lightning storm and avoided it all together? But what happens when a kid doesn’t want to learn something like reading? The two things every kid should learn is how to swim and how to read. What if a sign says, Danger! Hunting Allowed! At what point to you decide the kid needs help? And lastly, get a new name, oy vey! Unschooling? It just sounds stupid, which puts the whole movement into question.

Talls

To answer your question, there is guidance, Smalls. And there is structure, but it’s based on the child’s desire to learn – and believe me – I haven’t had a child yet that didn’t walk within the first few minutes, so I’d like to think I know what I’m talking about. The highest amount of curiosity is when they’re the youngest. Curiosity dims as we age and become too lazy to entertain a new idea. And for your information, we do use books, we gobble right through them.

Smalls

I am not lazy – I graze all day long, it’s just much more is learned in a classroom setting than reading and writing. How to get along. How to negotiate. How to find a place to hide. It’s all important. When you’re home-schooled or unschooled, a false representation of the world is presented, a life that’s fair, and life is not fair. Now, unless you want the kid to become anti-social and never leave home, keep on unschooling. Because what kid is going to say, “Tell me about this fascinating thing called calculous.” It’s not going to happen. And if the problem is with the school system, help make it better.

Talls

Listen here, education is not perfect, but letting the child lead assures that he is interested, committed and will absorb the lesson. We are not only pro-learning, we encourage free-thinking. What happens in the classroom when the child wants to learn more, but the curriculum says they move on? You’ve missed a huge opportunity to see when the real learning begins.

Smalls

And what if the child wants to quit because it’s hard. What then? You say, “Okay, quitting is fine because everything’s fair.” Heck no! You say, drag your hooves across the grass and get to it.

Talls

Agree to disagree. The world you speak of is harsh and cruel. Unschooling directly builds self-confidence as the child learns how to navigate their world. Like I say, a learning child is a happy child.

Smalls

Don’t be a shmendrik. Go learn something, would you? Unschooling lacks proof. Saying, “I learned everything from my mommy,” doesn’t impress. Not to mention the child thinks they are the sun – and this type of thinking never helped no one.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: March 26, 2016

Topic: Which Presidential Candidate Lies the Most

Talls

Wouldn’t it be easier to discuss which candidate lies the least? I mean to tell you, that’s a quick conversation. Bernie Sanders lies the least, but look where that’s getting him, last place. But I don’t believe any of those politicians as far as I can lick em. Let’s start with #LyinTedCruz. Five women? Like in total for his life? And Lying Trump should be called wishful-thinking Trump. Build a wall? Close our borders? He’ll get nothing done. And don’t forget Hillary. Her biggest stumbling block is lying by omission. What emails? What Benghazi? Hey, how do you get to the White House? Practice, practice, practice, your lying, stealing, and cheating. That’s how.

Smalls

While I will agree with some of your assessments, you’re forgetting Ohio Gov. John Kasich. He ranks very high in the honesty department. But because he’s not getting dirty in the mud – no disrespect to my friends the pigs – nobody’s listening. He’s not bringing the wives into the mix, or talking about it incessantly, he’s not doing any of that, but I’m not going to blame the candidates, like you, Talls. I blame the citizens of the U.S. They don’t know what they want, and most of these politicians will say whatever they think they want for a vote.

Talls

You need to stop watching Fox News, Smalls. The republicans are their own worst enemy and Kasich hasn’t got a mouse’s chance in maze. But unlike you, I have faith in the American people. Women are wising up to Trump’s wicked ways and will cross party lines to keep him out. Here’s a suggestion, how about a dual? Fifteen paces and the winner of the Republican nomination will be decided. That’s honest.

Smalls

Oy vey, can we agree not to get our news from the National Enquirer, please? Something will happen with GOP, mark my word, and we’ll win. Here’s my thought, if neither Trump nor Cruz can win the primary in time for the convention, I want none of them. They had their chance to win so let’s wipe the slate clean and start over. Paul Ryan for President! That’s the hassle-free way to win the nomination, if I do say so myself.

Talls

You are so naïve. Here’s what’s going to happen, Trump will win the nomination and the republicans will try to boycott his spot on the presidential ballot in an underhanded move causing Americans to distrust the GOP. Besides, we didn’t want Ryan in 2012 with Romney, why would we want him now?

Smalls

Final word: Americans have had 8 years of the Democrats. Historically the pendulum will swing the other way and it will be the Republicans turn in office. I’m just not going to go on record and say who that Republican will be.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: March 19, 2016

Topic: Runaway Jury Awards for the Semi-Famous

Talls

Can I just say that I thought $55 million was a lot for that sportscaster lady, but dayum, $115 million for a Hulk Hogan sex tape? What is wrong with this country? I’m about to tell you. First of all, if Hulk hadn’t been cheating with his “best-friend’s” wife, none of this would’ve happened. That so-called “best-friend” filmed it and leaked it. If we were in Vegas that would be a push. But Hulk was humiliated. Call the waaambulance. The only thing I can think of to explain this udder ridiculousness is the trial took place in Florida.

Smalls

People have the right to sue. Okay. Don’t judge on what the cause and effect can do until you walk in their hooves. Here’s what’s going on. Because these people are recognizable, they often have targets on their back. That is exactly what happened to Ms. Andrews. Now, as for Hulk and the gang, the wife, who is now the ex-wife, and the husband were in cahoots. If Hulk is too much of a shmendrik to know right from wrong, that’s his problem. But the last thing we want to do is set more limits.

Talls

So your saying, personal responsibility should be factored in? That’s what I’m saying. If that sportscaster lady wants to prance around in her room naked, more power to her. Personally, I don’t remove my reticulations without stepping into the bathroom, but I’m shy like that. The point is, she is 100% not at fault. The Hulk bears some responsibility in his sit-chee-ation, and yet he gets double the amount? People be crazy.

Smalls

Oy vey, why don’t we just give Ms. Andrews more money. Nobody’s getting nothing. This will get tied up in the appeals process and only the attorney’s will get rich. But we don’t agree on giving the jury limits. Perhaps they should take the dart board out of the deliberation room, because they keep landing on high amounts – but don’t put a cap on the amount a person can sue for. That’s just ridonkulous.

Talls

I think those who had to endure watching a Hulk Hogan sex video should get paid. Clearly they’ll suffer from some form of PTSD. But let me tell you this, with whatever money Mr. Hogan gets, he should invest in a new look. The 80’s have been around twice and didn’t want him either time.

Smalls

If there’s any shame it’s that these circus ringmasters called attorneys are only available for the recognizable. Double-edged sword. I just wish someone would film me come spring time with my lady donkeys. All the grass and ginger I want. Hee-haw!

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: March 13, 2016

Topic: Is Trump Responsible for the Violence at His Rallies

Talls

Not just yeah, but hell, yeah. I mean to tell you, this guy is so UN-Presidential I need a new pair of glasses to help me see straight. Trump is responsible for the uptick in violence at his rallies and that’s all there is to it. He needs to tone down the rhetoric and focus on solutions to the issues. Not just jacking up the pissed off people of the world. Have you ever seen a stampede? Well I have and it ain’t pretty. If this keeps up, there will be blood, mark my words.

Smalls

Well I say, not just no, but hell no. Trump has tapped into the anger of America. We are mad as hell and we aren’t going to take it anymore. There are always a few bad apples in a bunch, trust me I’ve bitten into a few, but you just toss that one out and keep treading on. This isn’t the time to start playing nice because that will come off as disingenuous and that’s not who Trump is. Look, Chicago is a tough town and they’ve got problems. Trump made the right call by cancelling the rally, and by doing so, he did dial back the rhetoric. Smart man, if you ask me.

Talls

Oh please. He is absolutely responsible. He not only encourages his rabid supporters to knock the crap out of people who are against him, but says he’ll pay their legal bills. In my opinion, this makes him legally responsible and someone who is harmed they should be able to sue Trump. It’s the equivalent of screaming Fire in a crowded room.  

Smalls

You know, this is exactly what’s wrong with our country. If someone is at this rally for the sole purpose of causing trouble and makes the first strike, why can’t we strike back? Because we’ve become a nation of wusses, that’s why. If these people can’t protest peacefully, why should we? Oy vey, do you want us to give the anti-supporters a trophy for showing up? Is that who we’ve become?

Talls

There is a pattern here and this pattern is escalating. It stops at the top. Trump has a duty, but really, this is an opportunity to show real leadership, to ask his supporters to tone it down, and for him to tone it down, but does he? No. Because he’s an idiot. He plays the blame game and then threatens Bernie Sanders? Lawd help us all. Trump needs to go back to Celebrity Apprentice. Oh but wait, he can’t. he was fired. Take the hint, America.

Smalls

The bottom line is the protesters are not there for peaceful reasons. These are not Trump’s people. He has no obligation to tone down the rhetoric to quiet them down. And I believe in the First Amendment right, but I also believe if they are disruptive, Trump has the right to throw their ass out. No pun intended.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: March 5, 2016

Topic: The Knife Found at OJ Simpson’s House

Talls

If this doesn’t scream police corruption, then I don’t know what does. The knife was found in 1998 at the Rockingham estate, turned over to a police man by construction workers, and is just now being turned in for evidence. Are you kidding me? That officer obviously tried to sell it back then, but Craig’s List didn’t have a Curiosities & Crime section because it was so brand new. So the cop gave up, but now that a 10-part show about the murders is on television, decided to give it a try again. The level of corruption at the LAPD is disgusting. Did you know the officer turned in the knife in January and we’re just hearing about it now? That officer should be prosecuted – not OJ.

Smalls

First of all, there’s no way this is the real knife. This is a hoax and I feel sorry for you falling for it. Don’t you think they would have found the knife back in 1994? But hey, let’s just say they didn’t, for argument sake. After OJ was acquitted and home in his comfy mansion, he said to himself, “I think I’ll leave the knife that I killed two people with tucked away in the garden for safe keeping.” When they tore down his house there would have been dozens of people on the property. And if they had found a knife, any knife, it would have been like buzzing bees around there. You can’t keep something so huge, so quiet. The officer is retired now and obviously suffering from delusion, but not corruption.

Talls

That is not his call to make. I don’t care if the knife was a plastic child’s toy, protocol is you turn it in. So either he’s the stupidest guy or he’s corruptest guy. There is no middle ground. Now, I ain’t saying that O.J.’s innocent, I’m just saying this reminds me of another case that was on television – Making a Murderer – and that also stinks of police corruption worse than a summer day at the zoo.

Smalls

Oy vey, you cannot link these two together. Why would this officer wait 18 years to turn it in? Because this didn’t happen. Why didn’t he think it was important then, but he thinks it’s important now? It’s a publicity stunt. It’s his chance at 15 minutes. It’s an opportunity to pay off a debt. And while the Steven Avery case might have police corruption, it’s entirely different. In this case a guilty guy got off and in the other case an innocent guy went to jail. Big difference. I’m just saying hold your antelopes and wait for the test results. If there’s new evidence of DNA from the victims, we’ll proceed from there.

Talls

You are so naïve. Here’s what’s going to happen, Smalls, not a damn thing. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the knife goes missing somewhere along the chain of custody or the test results come back as “inconclusive.” The only thing the LAPD have proven is they can’t be trusted.

Smalls

You and your conspiracy theories. I concur that the officer is probably a few stalls short of a stable, but don’t be upset when it comes back as not the knife. Because it’s not the knife.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

 

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Date: February 27, 2016

Topic: Can Rubio Win the Republican Nomination

Talls

My short answer is no and my long answer is hell, no. Let me tell you a story about Marco Rubio. Prior to his 2013 GOP rebuttal disaster of a speech, that boy had been advised by a cameraman to drink a glass of water. He declined. That started #waterbottlegate. He needs more time to listen and learn. I like him, but it’s too darn late. Rubio should have brought up the con-artist stuff sooner. Now he doesn’t have enough time to gain the momentum needed. But, hey, I’d like to see the kid come back in four years, because as sure as I’m standing way up here, the next President will be a one-termer.

Smalls

Did you see Trump with that bottle of water at the rally in Phoenix imitating Rubio? Oy vey, that was funny. But you are wrong about Rubio. It’s not over for him. Here’s the plan, with Jeb dropping out, mathematically it’s doable if people get to poles on Super Tuesday and have what I call, a come to Moses moment. If they are voting Republican, they know Trump will destroy America with his ego and same goes for Cruz but his will be in the name of the evangelicals. Rubio is the guy.

Talls

Hold your high-heeled boots. Republicans have to think of it in terms of who can beat Hilary. Nobody, that’s who! Unfortunately, Trump is your best bet – but like a bad bet at one of his defunct casinos or a certificate from Trump University.

Smalls

Rubio us picking up steam after South Carolina. And here’s the thing, no one candidate may end up with the necessary 1.237 delegates needed to win the nomination. This is very exciting because after the first round of voting, delegates can switch their votes. It’s virtually a free-for-all. But the main thing that helps Rubio, he is closest to Raeganism, and isn’t that what everyone wants – a rags-to-riches, son of immigrants, Raegan, who sells conservatism with a wink?

Talls

Hun, do you not see what’s happening? Trump now has Chris Christies’ support. Could he be the vice-president front-runner? Maybe. And much as I hate to admit it, these two have a broad appeal. Bottom line, hun, the polls have Trump and Clinton in the lead for Super Tuesday.

Smalls

Well, I don’t always go by the polls. Did you know that polls can be wrong? They’re not an exact science, you know. They can have statistical errors. And if the polling companies don’t like a candidate, that changes everything.

Talls

Come to terms, Smalls. It’s going to be #PresidentSoWhite #gate and Rubio won’t get the nomination.

Smalls

We’ll see. It’s not over until the hippopotamus sings.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: February 20, 2016

Topic: Supreme Court Nomination

Talls

Of course Obama should nominate a justice! I mean to tell you, if you was president, wouldn’t you? There’s no way any president would turn this down. It’s his right, his obligation and his duty to nominate someone quickly so we don’t have a bunch of tie’s for the upcoming court cases. It would be shameful to leave that seat empty for a year. There is nothing in the constitution that says on an election year you don’t appoint someone. This isn’t a Nicolas Cage movie about treasure hunting. Obama needs to fulfill his Presidential duties and nominate someone asap so our highest court in the nation can do their job effectively. Thank you.

Smalls

I welcome your president to try and appoint someone, in the meantime I’ll just file it under: Mission Impossible. We love the “F” word – and that’s filibuster. Now, I would like to ask for a moment of silence for Justice Antonin Scalia. May we find another conservative for the bench who will interpret our laws just as he did.

Talls

Honey, don’t you think the White House has their own connections?

Smalls

Please. A moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Talls

Amen. We good? Here’s how I see it. Obama needs to handle this exactly how I cook my stew, low and slow. Everybody knows once Obama names the nominee, the conversation’s gonna change. A shift will occur, from hypothetical to individual. From theoretical to legislatical. The debate will focus on the person, and boom, we got ourselves a hearing. Now, can I get an amen?

Smalls

Oy vey, you want an amen for that. It’s called the “Thurmond Rule.” So your nomination isn’t happening. We will block any attempts. Why even if he nominated my daughter, who’s very smart by the way, Obama shouldn’t do the picking. The American people should decide, not some lame-duck president whose priorities and policies will just be rejected. Why waste the taxpayer’s time and money? Let the new president choose, and hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and it’ll be Bernie. Prepare yourself for all kinds of changes, why you’re at it. In the meantime, the current Supreme Court Justices will handle their cases accordingly.

Talls

First of all, the Thurmond Rule it’s not a rule. And secondly, filibustering and shutting down and causing delay after delay is exactly why people hate politicians. They get paid all kinds of money, and I mean all kinds of money, to sit around and do nothing. Stalling should not be a strategy. Working together and playing by the rules already in place, not one’s that are convenient, is how grownups behave.

Smalls

Like I said, this really isn’t much of a debate. I know what will happen. And it’s the right thing to happen. Let the next president decide, ye of little faith. The remaining eight Justices will handle this unique situation.

Talls

Let me point one last thing out to you. Through negotiations, you might have some say so on the next court Justice right now, but if you give the power to the next president, you are completely giving away your power.

Smalls

You are so funny. Really. It’s cute that you believe that.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: February 13, 2016

Topic: Valentine’s Day

Talls

I would rather be loved every day of the year, than on one day. Just kidding! Of course Valentine’s Day means a lot to me! Every girl wants to be thought of on this day. Nothing much. Nice flowers. Fine twigs. Sweet Potatoes from my sweet potato, know what I’m saying.

Smalls

It’s a day contrived by the greeting card companies to get you to spend money. It’s the media’s fault this thing got so out of hand. Back in my day, a simple Snoopy Valentine’s Day card was enough. But now you want expensive jewelry, fancy meals, and trips to Paris. It’s not enough that we love you to the moon and back, you actually want the moon. But not me. I won’t be suckered into this trap, so don’t get me anything.

Talls

I wasn’t going to. I’m just saying life needs a little pick-me-up from time to time. The monotony of eating leaves and looking at those weird little faces who come to see us gets a little boring. It’s nice to have a day that everyone wears pink or red. And I don’t know about you, but I loves it when the twigs and leaves are in the shape of a heart. That’s so special.

Smalls

I’ll give them something in the shape of a heart, but you won’t like it unless you’re a dung beetle. Puh-lease. This means bupkes when it comes to real love. It’s just not necessary when you show them you care the entire year.

Talls

Well lookie here, Smalls. You’re an old softy, ain’t ya?

Smalls

Don’t say that. No I’m not. I’m just a normal republican donkey, minding my own business.

Talls

There ain’t no such thing. But did you know, the day before Valentine’s Day is Galentine’s day. The day you spend with your best gal-pal. So I’ll be participating in that, too.

Smalls

Oy vey! When will it end?

Talls

On the 15th, but then we have that day to look forward to when all our food is green. Come to think of it, my food is usually green. So never mind.Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: February 6, 2016

Topic: Super Bowl – Youth vs. Wisdom

Talls

I am putting my money on Cam Newton and those Panthers, if I actually had money. I like Peyton, love his name, wanna name my next calf, Peyton, but let’s face it, he’s old. He limped his way to post-season after missing six games. The way I see it, natural talent will win the game. And because my man Cam is much, much younger, he’s got talent all summer day long, whereas Peyton is running on daylight savings time. I hope Denver is warming up their number two guy.

Smalls

OMAHA! Are you kidding me? Cam’s going to choke. With the added pressure of over 100 million viewers watching his every move, he’ll cave. This is Peyton’s 4th appearance in a Super Bowl. So far your man, Cam has only seen the Super Bowl on his living room TV. And Cam doesn’t have the leadership or respect Peyton does. Football is in his blood. Peyton might be 13 years older, but that’s 13 years more experience. This will keep Peyton focused and calm so he can concentrate on throwing touchdowns.

Talls

Well, let’s talk teams because the quarterback is only as good as his team. The Panthers lost only one game this season. Broncos lost four. Plus, these two have never played each other. The Broncos they don’t know how explosive my man, Cam, is, and because of that, their defense will be shut down by the Cam-fusion. Booyah! Peyton is like watching an older Clydesdale in Budweiser commercial. Yeah, he’s regal, but he ain’t going to win the Kentucky Derby.

Smalls

Fine. Let’s talk natural talent. Your man, Cam, was in a bad accident a year and a half ago. He’s healed, but his natural talent has been compromised. Don’t worry. “The Sheriff” is going to bring order to the “Ace Boogie” house. Did you know Cam named himself that ridonkulous name? Oy vey, who does that? All the greats were given their names by other people. The Refrigerator. Mean Joe Green. Too Tall Jones. Johnny Football…okay maybe not him, my point is, that type of ego will be his downfall.

Talls

That ego will give him the confidence to think on his feet and my man, Cam, don’t need me preaching for him. I’m more worried about whether or not I’ll have enough of a leaves and twigs for everyone to eat.

Smalls

What time should I show up?

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: January 30, 2016

Topic: Trump a No-Show at Iowa Debate

Talls

Well that’s just plain rude, if you ask me. You want the nice folks of Iowa to vote for you and you don’t even bother to show up and tell them how wonderful you think you are. Just plain crazy. Here’s the thing, Megyn Kelly hurt Trump’s feelings. That’s what it boils down to, folks. Do you think the people from Mexico had their feeling hurts? I have never in my life seen a bigger case of dishing it out and not taking it back, ever. So what happens when Putin or Angela Merkel hurt his feelings? Well, we know what he’ll say about Merkel, something about her looks, but will he pick up his marbles and stomp away? This is a job interview, Mr. Trump. You need to show up for the job interview. He’s fired in my book.

Smalls

Are you kidding me? He’s brilliant. Trump was the star of the debate and he didn’t have to show up and risk saying something stupid. To raise money for the veterans and have the stage all to himself, genius. What a mensch. And did you see? Cruz got pummeled by the other candidates, so, bonus points for that. And that Rand Paul owes Trump a thank you card for not being there. Otherwise he’d still be at the kiddy table.

Talls

Bless your heart that you think Trump’s a good guy. Here’s the obvious thing about Trump – he doesn’t like women. I’m pretty sure Trump didn’t even want Sarah Palin’s endorsement but his campaign manager made him do it. Trump is a capitulated child.

Smalls

He has every right to back out if he feels he’s been attacked or mistreated by a third-rate moderator. Megyn Kelly needs to go have some babies and stop menstruating. I’m kidding! Oy, vey, I’m kidding. Please don’t attack me. Another one of his brilliant moves was asking his Twitter followers if he should participate in the debate. Brilliant! Let the voters think they have control, when in fact they don’t, because his mind was already made up when he asked the question.

Talls

If Trump thinks Kelly is a “light-weight” moderator, why not agree to Cruz’s offer to have one of those one-on-one debates without moderators. Because he’s scared. Though it’s a little unclear how exactly it will work without moderators. Will they pull questions from a fishbowl? Will they pay attention to the time buzzer? Will they stomp away when they have hurt feelings?

Smalls

Think of it this way. You’re a golfer in a tournament and in the lead. This is not the time to engage in any more putting matches. We don’t want to pull a Ricky Perry. Trump is doing the right thing, coasting into victory.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: January 23, 2016

Topic: Bad Water in Flint, Michigan

Talls

Let me say this, I know a thing or two about bad water. This one time, at the watering hole, a crocodile nearly got me. Nearly pulled me underwater and had me as his dinner. Now, I may be great at seeing things at a distance, but underwater, that’s more challenging. So right before he tried to snatch me, I saw two eyeballs pop up. Needless to say I scampered away. Now, as horrifying as that story is, imagine drinking water with lead. And the people you were supposed to trust told you the brown, smelly water was 0kay, when in fact they didn’t properly test and treat the water beforehand. I want people arrested for this blatant act of environmental racism. Today. It’s not enough that a few people have resigned. I want their heads in a croc’s mouth.

Smalls

Oy, vey, Talls. These are politicians. They’ll grease themselves up and slide right out of this problem. You have to prove who knew what and when they knew it and will they admit to it. Hell no. The question is, why did it take two years for this topic to gain the recognition it deserves? I love my country, don’t get me wrong, but when another country has a catastrophe, we swoop in with boats and planes full of supplies, doctors, and money. But because no one will admit they screwed up, nothing gets done. They need to fix the damn problem they created and quickly, damnit. These politicians need to stop playing the damn blame game.

Talls

Well, what do you know? Smalls has a heart. You do know that lead poisoning lowers the IQ forever? Have you seen those home remodeling shows when the couple pulls back the wallpaper and expose possible lead? They get out of there like a murder of crows is chasing them. Then hazmat moves in with all their gear on. Now imagine drinking that lead. Flint is only 70 miles from the Great Lakes and they were served bad water from corroded pipes. Why? Let me put it this way, this didn’t happen in a rich, white neighborhood. I stick out my tongue at those who decided to save a few dollars over people. Jail time! Jail time! Jail time! Come on, sing it with me.

Smalls

Sure, pursue that avenue. Good luck. Here’s the problem, Flint has no political clout. I mean, they don’t even have a grocery store. But they’re getting clout now. It’s like the baby donkey in the pen, it often gets bullied when the momma isn’t looking. Well momma is looking now. In the meantime, the gelt these meshuganas were supposed to save, will likely cost them 100 times more. And Michigan isn’t exactly rolling in the deep.

Talls

I’m impressed with Flint’s new Mayor, but don’t want her to compromise with the Governor. Just invite him over for a glass of lemonade made with their “special” water and let’s see what happens. When it was suggested they just switch back to Detroit, officials said is was too “cost prohibitive.” Cost prohibitive, my ass. Jail time! Jail time Jail time!

Smalls

The Governor needs to step down, that’s undeniable, but I think that’s the most you can hope for, Talls. I don’t trust the truth from these people even if it bit me while I was drinking from the water well.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: January 16, 2016

Topic: Lack of Diversity at the Oscars

Talls

I have two words for the 2016 Oscars: Boy Cott! I’m not saying don’t go to the after parties, just not the televised portion of the show. And don’t tell them either so they can’t get seat fillers. Let the members of the Academy feel the emptiness and humiliation of being snubbed. This is so egregious. The only mention of Straight Outta Compton was for best original screenplay. Guess who wrote that? Two white guys! And I know they’ve said they’re interested in diversity and inclusion, but those words are just letters on a piece of paper to them. No action behind it. Did you know that of the almost 6,000 voters, 94% are white? And did you know that 77% are male? And did you know that 86% is above 50 years of age.?  I say it’s time for a shakeup.

Smalls

Are you finished? Oy vey, woman. I’ve aged in the time it took you to say all that. Yes, the Academy is predominantly white. And yes, the Academy is somewhat behind the times. And yes, the Golden Globes are much more progressive, but it was just two  short years ago when “12 Years a Slave” won for best picture. First in 86 years that a movie with a black director has won. I call that progress.

Talls

Progress?! Smalls, if you had a neck I would wring it. This is not just an Academy problem, it’s an industry problem. In Hollywood, it’s 1950 not 2016.

Smalls

Look, there isn’t a conspiracy. The Academy isn’t saying, “Hey let’s choose all white people and give them the awards.” Why, just last November they gave Spike Lee an Honorary Oscar for all the times he’s been snubbed. And speaking of snubs, where’s Johnny Depp’s nomination? Where Tarantino’s? The fact is, they can’t name everyone.

Talls

Oh poor baby donkey, you’re missing two white guys who were left out. And as for Spike Lee, I’ll just quote him and leave it at that. “It’s easier to be the president of the United States as a black person than to be the head of a studio.”

Smalls

But there is good news, Talls. The Cecil B. DeMille award is going to Denzel Washington, so he’ll have some thoughts on the matter, and the host, Chris Rock, will most definitely have the last laugh – and so will we – but not if there’s a total boycott.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: January 9, 2016

Topic: North Korea’s claim to have detonated a hydrogen bomb

Talls

Can I just say, what is up with this little man? Trying to prove himself to the world like he’s some kind of Billy-Bob bad-ass. First of all, I don’t believe for one minute it was a hydrogen bomb – but we can all agree that any nuclear bomb in this man’s hands is not a good idea. It’s time for the UN to exact some real consequences on Kim Jong-un. Real consequences, know what I’m saying? Like putting new sanctions in place and enforcing the ones we’ve already put in place. Send a strong message to this maniac that we will not stand by and watch.

Smalls

Here’s the thing, the UN isn’t going to do a damn thing and neither is your president. The man’s official policy on Kim is “strategic patience.” Oy vey, this is not how a leader leads. And let me point out, three of the four nuclear testings in North Korea happened on his watch. The man has done bupkis. Having said that, I agree, why does it always have to be America that jumps in, risking the lives of our soldiers, to save the world? Let China handle it. Oh, wait. Their economy is crashing, taking down ours in the process, so they’re obviously busy. How about Russia? Ha-ha. I nearly fell down from laughing at that one. Oh, wait, I’ve got it – Dennis Rodman. He can save the day. I totally trust an ex-NBA player with excessive tatts and piercings and a penchant for cross dressing. Hang on. Give me a minute to catch my breath. Oh, wait, wait. How about we follow the how-to guide called The Interview. Hang on, I need to catch my breath.

Talls

Smalls get up off the ground. This is not a laughing matter. I mean to tell you, when a man detonates an atomic bomb for his 33rd birthday and it registers as a 5.1 earthquake, what’s next? Kim’s arsenal of atomic weapons is advancing. Have you seen their million plus army? We are the only powerhouse that can handle this.

Smalls

Maybe he’ll blow himself up – problem solved. In the meantime, we could encourage a coup and destroy the Kim dynasty. And change the laws on the mandated haircut. Have you seen a goofier look on a ruler? Sanctions are great, but they take months and months to have an effect.

Talls

Agreed about his hair cut ,and I’ve seen some pretty darn crazy ones. Have you seen a skunk? Pee-you! And how about those gorillas. I confuse their butts with their faces. I’m of the opinion Kim’s mama should have eaten him as a cub.

Smalls

I’ll give you one of those “amens” you’re always asking for.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss yet another current event.

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Date: December 27, 21015

Topic: The incorrect winner announced at the Miss Universe pageant

Talls

I love me some Steve Harvey, but can he not read? Besides, this whole thing of women parading around in bathing suits is antiquated. I’m against that. All giraffes are beautiful and to judge one against the other is just wrong. Yes, we all want world peace. And yes, we all want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. But this should signal the end of the beauty pageants, in my opinion, for every age. Nothing makes me more upset than seeing a two year-old with makeup smeared on her face. But I do feel sorry for the girl who was first awarded the crown and then de-crowned. And she didn’t do anything wrong like star in porn, poor thing.

Smalls

Are you kidding me? Thanks to Steve Harvey we now know who Miss Colombia is. She needs to write him a thank you note. On a personal note, Mr. Harvey might want to upgrade his security detail for a few months. Let’s just say, Colombia takes these things pretty seriously. As for reading the wrong name, hey, that’s the beauty of live TV. Now, if Mr. Harvey had stayed for the entire pageant practice, he might have learned how to read the card correctly.

Talls

Well it’s just so darn confusing. There’s second runner-up which technically means third place. Then there’s first runner-up – which is where the mistake happened, Mr. Harvey saw first and thought winner – but it’s actually second place. Then you have the winner. I think they should change all that so this doesn’t happen to the next guy or gal who hosts the show, because you know Steve ain’t coming back.

Smalls

Are you kidding me? Thanks to Steve Harvey I will tune in next year to see if he goofs up again. That was wonderful. Donald Trump said this would never have happened if he still owned the pageant. Well thank goodness he sold it. This was the most exciting live pageant I can remember. The only thing that can top it is if next year someone has a “wardrobe malfunction.”

Talls

And if that happens I will personally organize a stampede of all my naturally beautiful friends.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss another current event.Smaller Crop T & S

 

Date: December 18, 2015

Topic: What to do with “Affluenza” Teen who fled country

Talls

First let me say, I get wanting to protect your child, it’s what we mothers do, but where to start with the blame on this one? Definitely the parents for not parenting. Second, the judge for giving that kid probation after killing four innocent people in a terrible drunk driving accident. And third, that mother for running off with her son. I mean to tell you, worst mom of the year. What I’ve learned over the years is, you can run, but you can’t hide forever.

Smalls

Oy vey, this is why some animals eat their young. I say arrest everyone. The parents. That stupid judge. The brat needs to never see the light of day. They knew their kid’s probation was going to be revoked because of a video showing him playing beer pong. He’s a useless POS who should be stuck in a cage and never released back into the world.

Talls

I’m just trying think how this mom thought fleeing the country was a good idea. Why do they keep rescuing this kid? I heard that when he missed his probation meeting, police officers went to the house to serve the warrant and found the house empty. Didn’t anyone notice the moving vans? It takes a village people.

Smalls

I say we stick this kid on a rhino reserve and let him try to survive that. Rhino’s don’t give a rat’s ass about his parents’ money. Let nature take it’s course. And where’s the dad? Start by locking his ass up because you know he’s funding this little excursion.

Talls

The father “claims” he doesn’t know where the mom and boy are, but I don’t think I believe him. Think, think, think. Where could they have gone? They’re in Texas so probably Mexico, is what I’m thinking. Well, good luck with that one. Once he’s apprehended they should lock him up in an adult prison and make him do hard labor – none of that making furniture or license plates stuff. Put him to work.

Smalls

Put him to work? No, no, no. I hope the cartel catches this brat before authorities do. Talk about swift justice.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls debate another current event.Crop T&S w necklace

Date: December 11, 2015

Topic: What to make of the “Serial” interviews with Bowe Bergdahl

Talls

My thoughts on this is America did the right thing getting Sgt. Bergdahl back even though we had to trade five very bad men for him. Leave no man behind. Now we need to let the military hand out the appropriate punishment, but keep in mind, he’s already given nearly five years of his life as a prisoner of war.

Smalls

Two words for this guy: court martial. And now he’s using the media to get his new manufactured version out to the public. He’s a deserter. Plain and simple. And what kills me is he thinks he’s Jason Bourne now. Oy vey, I’m sure Matt Damon is just loving that.

Talls

I’m not going to argue that he is a tad delusional. But as I understand it, there were problems in his unit and Bergdahl was trying to get to another unit to let them know. So maybe the answer is a medical retirement.

Smalls

No. No. No. No. No. What he did was reckless. Okay? You don’t walk off your post and put your fellow comrades at risk and then endanger even more soldiers who went to search for him. Men died looking for Bergdahl. And with a medical retirement he receives full benefits and pension. It’s ridonkulous. I repeat, no.

Talls

I like the guy. He has a sweet face. And I hear they want to make a movie about him. I hate war. It’s good for nothing and there is a huge cost so I don’t think people who aren’t making the sacrifice for our great nation should be so quick to judge. Leave it in the hands of the military.

Smalls

Damn right, leave it to the military. And let me say one more thing, this one-sided, reconstructed account of events that is being released will bite him in the ass…if only I could be the one to do that.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls debate another current

Crop T&S w necklaceDate: December 4, 2015

Topic: Will Gun Control Make a Difference

Talls

First let me say, I am so saddened by what happened in Sacramento. My answer to the question is yes. We need stricter guns laws. If stricter gun laws save even one life, then it’s job is done. Mind you, there is no magic bullet. Oh wait, I didn’t mean to say that. What I meant to say is there’s no easy solution. You could start with a ban on assault weapons, though. That’s a good place to begin.

Smalls

Stricter laws will only hurt law-abiding citizens. Thugs will still get assault weapons. I blame video games—that’s what started this whole mess. But you can’t ban weapons. I have a right to bear arms. What needs to happen is a collective desire to make this country great again. We as a nation must take back our country.

Talls

Don’t you go and start a revolution. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you may have a point. The thing is, you can’t force pride on people. Except lions. But they are naturally prideful people, so you don’t exactly have to force it on them. But you get what I’m saying.

Smalls

Listen, like I said just last week, close the borders for five years. This is mishegas! We need time to figure things out like freedom and liberty and who deserves it. Here’s what I think, if you’re at a baseball game and don’t sing along, even a little, to the national anthem, please leave our county. Problem solved.

Talls

You’re the crazy one. Why can’t we ban certain guns, huh? It’s the perfect place to start. And then we’ll reduce how much ammunition someone can buy. And then we’ll force the purchase of safe guns. You know the kind that requires your finger print to work. That way your gun can not be used on you or someone else. Boom. You are welcome, Smalls. I just saved your life.

Smalls

Oy vey, by taking away all of my rights! Why stop there? Why not ban scopes. Of course, now that I think about it, I wouldn’t mind that. But the point is, and what you fail to realize, Talls, as long as there is war, there will be weapons.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls debate another current event.Crop T&S w necklace

 

Date: November 20, 2015

Topic: Living in a Post #ParisAttacks World

Talls

First let me say, I am so saddened by what happened in their beautiful city. I personally have never been, mind you, but they call it the city of lights, and I like that. As for me, I’m going to rethink all my travel plans. I don’t actually have any travel plans, but if I did, I would cancel them. And furthermore, I’m going to see what I can do to help. I’ve got a knack for seeing things in the distance.

Smalls

You cannot cancel your plans. That’s what the terrorists want. When we stop living, they are winning. And I’m gonna speak straight with you, Talls, get ready for the long haul. There will be more attacks, and if France leads the way, great, but we must follow with vigilant force. The media keeps saying it was a coordinated effort by the terrorists. Just wait, when you put America, France, England, Russia, Spain, Italy and Germany together, we’ll show you what a coordinated effort is.

Talls

Smalls, that’s what the terrorists want us to do. They want to kill us. They want us to go to war. Anyone willing to blow themselves up is sick in the head. It’s like when my cousin use to tease the gorillas, we told him,  “Jimmy, one of these days” and that day came. So I don’t want to lose anymore young men and women.

Smalls

Oy vey, that makes absolutely no sense. Unfortunately there are casualties of war. It’s for the greater good. At the very least we should shut down our borders for the next five years.

Talls

Five years?! Why five years? Never you mind, I don’t want to talk about it. That is not who we are. We are the land of the free.

Smalls

Sure we are. If you can get here before we shut it down. Otherwise, your going need to wait five years so we can get a database going of people who want to harm us. And I nominate rhinos to be at the top of the list.

Talls

Land of the free, Smalls. Not, land of who gets here first. I think we both know the pilgrims can’t make that claim either. Can I get an amen!

 

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls debate another current event.Crop T&S w necklace

Date: November 13, 2015

Topic: The Superstitious Belief in the Bad Luck of Friday the 13th

Talls

Yes sirree. I will not be going out of my little area today. And furthermore, I never travel on Friday the 13th or schedule any major surgery. I am a believer, damn right I am. It’s all because of that 13th guest Judas who betrayed Jesus. Did you know he was crucified on the 13th? Why chance it? Why bring attention to yourself by saying, “I think I’ll go see what the lions are doing today.” No way. I’ll just mind my own business until Saturday the 14th rolls in.

Smalls

Seriously? You make your own luck, Talls. You don’t run from a black cat or cross the street to avoid a ladder. Now, if you want to go to Vegas, then maybe you should be cautious. That town is all about lady luck. Basically we all encounter some bad luck in life, but it’s not because it’s Friday the 13th. It’s because we all step in shit from time to time. It happens to me all the time.

Talls

I have a friend who has a friend who was in a terrible stampede this past Friday the 13th. And when I was a kid, my grampy hurt his neck reaching for a leaf on that very day. And let’s not forget, the Knights Templar were all arrested on Friday the 13th. How much proof do you need, Smalls?

Smalls

Oy vey, the Knights Templar. How many times have you read the “Da Vinci Code?” I’ll have you know scientists report that Friday the 13th is statistically a safer day because people are more careful. So bad things aren’t happening like you think.

Talls

Well, honey, thank you for proving my point. If you just stay in bed on that day, everything’s going to be just fine.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls debate another current event.Crop T&S w necklace

Date: November 6, 2015

Topic: Donald Trump Hosting Saturday Night Live

Talls

First let me say, I am so sick of this guy. He’s not funny. He’s only funny looking. But for a man who wants to be taken seriously, this is not the way to do it. For the record, I don’t mind the candidates dropping by for a quick skit. Really, I don’t. But to host the entire show at a time he’s supposed to be focusing on leading our nation, isn’t appropriate, and quite frankly it’s an obvious publicity stunt. And did I mention he’s not funny? Anytime Trump is in a skit on Fallon or Kimmel, you can see him reading the cue-cards and checking that the audience loves him as much as he loves him. I for one will not be tuning in.

Smalls

I have a completely different take. First of all, you’re just jealous because they would never ask Bernie Sanders to host. He couldn’t do it. Hillary Clinton for an entire show? Oy vey. Let Trump host. It’s not an endorsement, it’s a business decision based on one thing: Ratings. So let the man host. And take notice picketers, it could lead to his undoing. Or not. Let the market decide.

Talls

Hell yeah it’s a endorsement. In fact, it’s ringing so loud my ears hurt. Are they going to ask Ben Carson, who’s actually leading in the polls, to host? No. They need to stick with entertainers, actors, comedians, and singers.

Smalls

Ask Ben Carson to host? That’s ridonkulous, we’d fall asleep halfway through his opening monologue. And don’t forget, NBC fired Trump from Celebrity Apprentice and severed ties with him on the Miss US pageant. I repeat, this isn’t an endorsement.

Talls

We can not, and should not, give this hate mongering man more air time to repackage his hatred into comedy.

Smalls

Then don’t tune in. You have the power, Talls. We all have the power. By arguing about this you are giving Trump even more power. I will be tuning in though I’ll probably fall asleep half way through – just like what will happen with his campaign.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls debate another current event.Crop T&S w necklace

Date: October 30, 2015

Topic: Decision Not To Tell Pitcher About Dad’s Death Before World Series Game

Talls

I tell you what, you pull that crap on me and the messenger’s not only gonna het killed. Mr. Volquez had the right to know his father died earlier in the day. It’s not like the man died while he was on the pitcher’s mound. That I could understand. Oh, no he didn’t. It was earlier in the day and his father had been ill for some time. Lookie here, I don’t care that baseball is a billion dollar business, this is personal, this is family. It’s not right that everyone knew about his father’s death before he did. Not right, I tell you.

Smalls

Get your facts straight, Talls. It wasn’t the Kansas City Royals who made that call, it was Volquez’s own family. I say, honor the family’s wishes, and they wished for him to pitch a great game. Hell, if it were my son, I’d want them to wait and tell him, too. But I will concede, the fact that total strangers knew before Volquez is not right. The family should have done a better job of keep it a secret.

Talls

Hell yeah it’s wrong. I mean, what if they were honest with him, and knowing that he had an angel in the outfield, Volquez might have pitched a no-hitter. Instead they had to play for 14 innings.

Smalls

Oy vey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. There has only been one no-hitter in the World Series – ever. A legend by the name of Don Larson back in 1956. Life back then was simple. Not like today where there’s all kinds of pressure on person. Bottom line, the family did what they thought was best.

Talls

You and I will never agree on this. The man had a right to know. Don’t fall down from shock, Smalls, but baseball is just a game.

Smalls

Hold on a second, let me get up from the floor. Are you kidding me?! You’re crazy if you think the World Series is just a game. It’s America’s favorite pastime. You’re not a true American if you don’t appreciate baseball.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls debate another current event.Crop T&S w necklace

Date: October 23, 2015

Topic: Joe Biden’s decision not to run to president

Talls

It’s a sad, sad day. I know it was a tough decision for Mr. Biden because his son, may he rest in peace, told his father to run before his passing. And let’s face it, that man would have given the two other candidates a run for their money. My only problem is, I wish he would have made this decision sooner. And despite what the Donald says, Biden would have won the nomination. Trump’s relieved to run against Hilary. He’s great at attacking women.

Smalls

Yawn. Wake me up when the primaries are over. You’re a shmendrik if you don’t know that a Republican will win. No problem for Mr. Trump to win against Hillary. The questions remains, is he the right choice? I’m not so sure, but I’ll reserve my judgment over the next few debates. Personally, I’d like to see 5 or 6 candidates drop out by then.

Talls

Wait a minute. You’re not a Democrat?

Smalls

Oy vey! Why does everyone say that to me? I’m a staunch Republican. Do I need to wear a button?

Talls

You’re killing me, Smalls. Have you looked in a mirror?

Smalls

Why? Do I have hay stuck in my teeth? Tell me. I don’t want to look like an ass.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls debate another current event.Crop T&S w necklace

Date: October 16, 2015

Topic: Girl who filmed herself while driving drunk on Periscope

Talls

Lord have mercy. Stupid has run amok.

Smalls

Is that it? That’s your contribution to our debate?

Talls

Who wakes up in the morning as says to themselves, “Gee, I think I’ll get drunk, drive around and film it.” Only a stupid person, that’s who.

Smalls

Oy vey. Look, this is what’s wrong with today’s younger generation. They want to be a celebrity…any way they can. Where did it all go wrong? I’ll tell you. When parents started telling their children they were special. ‘Hey kids, I got news for you. You aren’t special. You’re average.’ Parents need to be more realistic with their kids and stop telling them they can be anything they want. It’s not true.

Talls

I agree with you that kids today want to be famous. But I do not agree with you to stop telling our children they are special. Children are a gift from God.

Smalls

Okay, here’s what you do. Tell the kid they are special to you. Because let’s face it, they ain’t special to the world just yet.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls debate another current event.Crop T&S w necklace

Date: October 9, 2015

Topic: The bombing of the Doctor’s Without Borders hospital in Afghanistan

Talls: Can I just point out that I hate war. I mean, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing, I say! But no war is without its mistakes. It was a horrible accident to bomb a hospital that treats the sick and injured, the doctors and the volunteers, and there’s no way around that. But look, there’s risk involved with these types of things. Even when the Red Cross moves in to help people after a tornado, their safety can be compromised, too. Our President has taken responsibility for this terrible tragedy and is conducting an internal investigation so that our military do not make this terrible mistake again. My prayers to all the families.

Smalls: Well, can I just point out that it took your president a week to apologize—which won’t change a damn thing. And don’t get met started on the misinformation and the changing of their story. Schmucks! I don’t’ trust any “internal investigation” by our government. Hell, we still don’t know who shot Kennedy! They are going to do whatever it takes to keep their asses from appearing as if they broke the Geneva Conventions. You heard it here first, folks.

Talls: Can I just point out that this is the longest war in US history. Fourteen years we’ve been putting our young soldiers lives on the line. Enough is enough!

Smalls: Well, can I just point out that your president said he was going to bring the soldiers home, and all he did was leave just enough to make us completely ineffective.

Talls: He’s your president, too.

Smalls: Oy vey.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss another current event.Crop T&S w necklace

Date: October 4, 2015

Topic: The pros and cons of tailgating at a sporting event

Talls

Well, you know I like any excuse for a barbeque. You get there early. Set up your tent, television, chairs, tables, music, and grills. Some things I’m gonna want to make the night before, like potato salad and my great-grand mammy’s secret recipe for cole-slaw. Mmm-mmm. I can taste it now. You eat, maybe play some washers, go inside the stadium and watch the game, come back out for dessert while the traffic dissipates. If your team wins, it’s a great day. And if they lose, it’s a good day. The only con is bad weather.

Smalls

Tailgating, oy vey, where do I begin? Clearly a gathering of people who have no life. Let’s say the game begins at noon. You’ve got to wake up around 7, leave around 8, set up by 9, hang out for 3 hours, go inside for 4 hours, go back outside and wait at least 1 hour for the traffic to clear. That’s a lot of numbers, time, and hard work. I’d rather tail gate at home with all the grass I can eat. I really don’t care about your grand-pappy’s coleslaw. My natured-seasoned grass is all I need.

Talls

You are so  closed-minded and rude. It’s my great-grand mammy’s coleslaw. Pay attention. Besides, it’s not as if you’re off saving a third world country or something. You’ve got nothing better to do than sit around and be lazy.

Smalls

Are you calling me lazy? I’ll have you know that true relaxation is productive. I’m not going to die of a heart attack like some people.

Talls

No. Just from the pesticides in that grass you eat.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss another current event,Crop T&S w necklaceDate: September 26, 2015

Topic: Pope Francis’ trip to America and the 100% total media coverage

Talls

Well, the way I see it people are blaming the media. Ain’t there fault! They are giving the people exactly what they want? There are over a million people showing up to maybe get a glimpse of the Pope, a handshake if you’re lucky, or if you’re super lucky, one of those selfie-things. For the rest us who want to see Pope Francis, all we get to do is watch him on TV. I mean, we can’t all stampede Washington DC, New York or Philly, though I could. One of my cousins stays at the DC zoo. She’d let me come visit.

Smalls

That’s just so ridonkulous! Nobody’s blaming the media. We just want to watch, say, the weather, or the news, or John Boehner trying to steal the spot light over his suspicious yet curios resignation. That’s all. Fair and balanced reporting – what a crock! It’s The Papal-News 24/7. I wonder if there was an earthquake somewhere in the world? Don’t know because it didn’t happen near the Pope. Look, I like the Pope as much as the next donkey, but he’s just a very nice man in a white robe.

Talls

Excuse me? He’s the closest person to God and has daily conversations with him. You better pray lightening doesn’t strike you. In fact, I’m moving over there while I pray for you.

Smalls

You do that. Here’s my prayer, “God please help Talls get her head out of the clouds.”

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls debate another current event.

Crop T&S w necklace

Date: September 7, 2015

Topic: This week Talls and Smalls will be debating the county clerk in Kentucky who won’t issue same-sex marriage licenses on behalf of her religious beliefs.

Talls

Honey, I can’t stand it when people are on a religious cafeteria plan and say things like, “I’ll take the sanctity of man/woman marriages, but hold the till death do us part and thou shall not commit adultery.” I mean, please. And that’s what we got here. I’m happy she’s saved and has seen the light, lord you know I do, but I think she’s trying not to do her job and get paid for it. I had a cousin who did that. If you don’t want to issue the marriage certificates, then don’t. Let somebody else in the office do it. It’s the law. Quit trying to get your 15 minutes of fame for being a martyr. You have the keys to your jail cell, woman. Use them or resign from office. It’s just that simple.

Smalls

Here’s the thing, I’m not saying I agree with her moral choices over the years, but when she became the elected county clerk official, same-sex marriage certificates wasn’t one of the job duties she swore to uphold. I’m just saying there comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to stand up for what they believe, and this is her moment. States rights matter. Am I making the real point clear? That way, when I don’t like how one state is running themselves into ruin (I’m talking to you California) I have the option to move to a place where the views are more in line with mine. Now, is she the perfect messenger having been married three or four times, probably not. But what’s next? What if a giraffe wants to marry a donkey? Where will this end if we don’t stop it here.

Talls

Are you kidding me? A giraffe would never want to marry a donkey, but other people shouldn’t be allowed to make that decision for them. And if two females want to be together, well honey, that ain’t my business.

Smalls

It will happen. And remember, you heard it from me first.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss another current event.Crop T&S w necklace

Date: August 18, 2015

Topic: This week Talls and Smalls will be debating what to do about “Subway pitchman” Jared Fogle.

Talls: Honey, are you kidding me? What to do with that sick Subway guy? That’s our topic? Easy. Bring him to my country and we’ll hunt him down, shoot him with a bow and arrow, let him crawl around for 40 hours, then put a bullet in his head and skin him, just like they did my friend Cecil.

Smalls: Don’t be ridonkulous! You can’t do that and you’ve never even been to “your county.” This should have never gotten this far. I never trusted the guy in the first place. Who loses hundreds of pounds by eating two sandwiches a day? And did you see how much weight he’s gained when he was arrested? He’s fat. Hell, I’m in better shape. Hey Subway, hire me! You see, if they’d fired him months ago because of the “love handles” he’s been dragging to New York City in search of minors, this would never have happened.

Talls: I’m not being “ridonkulous.” You are. The question is, what are we going to do with him. Not, what should they have done with him.

Smalls: Let me finish, will ya? Since it’s too late now, they should prosecute the guy to the fullest extend of the law and I hope his wife divorces him and his kids never speak to him again. Plus, I hope he makes all kinds of new friends in prison. Subway will eventually win back the public’s trust but it’s going to take a lot of 6” discounts.

Talls: For real? Why does everything you say sound dirty?

Smalls: Because of your sick mind.

Tune in next week when Talls and Smalls discuss another current event.