Has this ever happened to you? You force yourself to go to the gym, You don’t necessarily love going to the gym, but it has it’s benefits. Often my head is cleared and new ideas come to me as I huff and puff my way on the elliptical. From time to time I venture to the weight room, though I dread this because a lot of the meatheads hang out there. You know the kind. Their neck circumference is in the same range as their IQ and they usually have an unnatural tan that borders orange. I can usually avoid these guys, but my problem today is a meathead woman (MHW).

Let me describe her to you. She must rarely workout as evidence from her extra plus size figure. Please. I’m not fat shaming. I’m simply trying to portray an accurate picture that she consumes more calories than she exhumes. She has her purse with her, not in a locker, and totally the wrong kind of footwear. Her biggest offense, in my opinion, is that she’s on her cell phone, chatting away for everyone to hear. There’s towel around her neck, not sure what for, maybe in case she breaks a sweat while speed dialing her friends.

My motto is get in and get out. I’m ready to use the machine for squats, but can’t because this MHW is sitting there. And sitting there. And sitting there, talking on the phone. Maybe once in a while she extends her legs, thus engaging a few leg muscles. So I go onto what I have left and use the other machines in the rotation. I go back and she’s still there. Not kidding. I could blow it off, but why should I? And my sighing and pacing is not a clue to her.

Here is a snippet of her conversation.

          “No, girl. He di’ent.”

          Then she said, “Why you gonna put up with that?”

          After a long pause, “Mmm-hmm. I hear that.”

Cliché, but true. If only she spoke in specifics, maybe it would be interesting. But I’m not alone now. Another woman wants the machine and is circling the machine, but the MHW has her I-don’t-hear-you mentality down pat. Isn’t there a no-cell phone policy? I look for a sign with a red line crossing through a phone, but find none.

In the end, the other woman and I did nothing. She ended her phone call five minutes later. But, this really isn’t about my time being wasted. (Yes it is.) It’s about her time being wasted. (But mostly mine.) She is accomplishing nothing other than putting on her matching gym attire. I mean, the woman brings her purse, not gym back or back pack, a purse that is either high-dollar or knockoff. (Probably knock off.) So the question is – what is the protocol? How could I have handled this differently?

Example 1

          “Excuse, me? Could you please move your fat ass off the machine so that I, or someone else, may have a turn?”

Okay. This is obviously not very subtle and could result in a fight. How about this?

Example 2

          “Excuse, me? If you’re done, maybe you and I could trade machines. What’s that? You’re on the phone and want me to eff off? Alrighty. I’ll be over there. Take your time.”

Closer, but still not quite right. How about this?

Example 3

          “Excuse me? Did you see they have free muffins in the kitchen area?”

I think we have a winner.

People who go to the gym and don’t workout