Personally speaking, we at MyComedyTherapy feel the whole world should be in therapy. Thank goodness, Dr. Jenn Mann feels this way, too, and has talked VH1 into paying for another show – after helping couples stay together proved useless. Dr. Jenn is now in the business to help families who put too much fun in dysfunction.
Here’s what’s happening, five families are at a crossroads in their relationship as they undergo three weeks of intensive family therapy at the southern California counseling facility. The individuals are: Michael and Dina Lohan (Lindsey must be so excited) who are trying to earn a buck get it together. Damon Dash (Jay-Z’s ex business partner) and brothers Jeremy and Bobby who don’t speak to him. Bam Margera (Jackass claim to fame) struggles with his excessive drinking and his sweet mom April is helpless. Tiffany “New York” Pollard and mom Sister “Don’t Call Her Michelle” Patterson (She is not a nun) struggle with respect. And Briana DeJesus (fame from getting pregnant as a teen) and her sister Brittany learn to respect and support each other, or will they?
A lifetime of pain can’t be cured on a reality show, but let’s give it a try and add some cameras and people with really strong personalities and let the healing begin. As an added bonus, no alcohol is allowed on the property. Who’s ready for some fun?
We begin the journey with Tiffany and her mom, Sister, before they go to the rehab. Tiffany lives on the west coast and Sister lives on the east. You understand why this is in the first five seconds when Sister greets her daughter by telling her she looks fat. Then in the car Sister tells Tiffany she’s going to smack her for asking why she’s not good enough. Sister admits that she’s bothered by not being able to boss her child around anymore. This is her God-given right, y’all. Also her right is to take away any child Tiffany brings into the world.
For those of you thinking that Sister is over-bearing and controlling, bossy woman who can’t stop running her mouth, consider this: What if Sister had entered the military years ago? Can you imagine? We wouldn’t be having struggles with ISIS today if she were in charge.
Kami the resident counselor is there to welcome the mother/daughter duo to the facility and has the unfortunate task of telling the ladies this is a dry campus. No one is waiting with champagne? No Hennesey station? These women might as well be camping outdoors. A huge scene is caused when Tiffany won’t turn over her alcoholic beverage. These two may not get along with each other, but when they are pitted against someone, they are as thick as thieves. Sister and Tiffany are sweating like crazy, hopping around, complaining about how hot the facility is not realizing that if they would just sit their asses down and have some iced-tea, things will cool off. Finally Tiffany hands over the alcoholic beverage that only had one sip left.
Next we meet Bam and his mom April prior to going to rehab. Bam has a bloody hand that he got after punching it through a window. Being an ex-champion skate-boarder, he’s done much worse damage to his body. Bam admits to having a drinking problem after his best friend was killed in a car crash five years ago when he lost control of the car due to excessive speed. Bam was inconsolable. April worries about Bam every day and is scared she’s going to lose her son. She is right to worry, but they seem like calm, sweet individuals. The longest Bam has gone without drinking is 10 days.
When Sister and Bam meet for the first time, it is like, well, BAM! Turns out Sister is gifted in a spiritual way. She can feel a person’s energy and Sister feels Bam’s dark side – and likes it! It’s so powerful each must retreat to their rooms to drink hidden alcohol meditate on this.
Next up are the real sisters, Brittany and Briana, who can’t get along. Briana is sweet and Brittany is sour. Like a great Asian combo, but clearly with too much MSG, hopefully Dr. Jenn can help them. Turns out they were pregnant at the same time, one had an abortion and one had a baby and went on a show about teen moms. Their father’s walked out, as well as the baby-daddy, and so of course they have issues. I’m rooting for these two, out of everyone.
Yay, Michael and Dina are next. I’m kidding, I mean, boo, why are they here? These two will only blame each other. They say they want to rebuild their relationship for their kids’ sake, but I’m thinking the kids would rather they stay apart. What do I know, I don’t have a PhD. At their meeting before checking in, they get into an argument about the abuse they endured from each other, of course, their side only. Michael is skeptical this will work and Dina is nervous (about the truth coming out).
When they arrive, Dina likes Brittany and Briana right away, after they tell her they thought she was Lindsey. Michael introduces himself to April and boom, here comes Sister. She meets the newcomers and when Dina reaches her hand out to shake Sister’s, Sister snatches her hand back as if she’s been bitten by bad energy. Michael tells April, See what I’ve been trying to tell people. Overwhelmed, Sister leaves to tell Tiffany about the venomous, toxic, snake, walking corpse, VH1 has brought into this house. Jesus help us all.
It’s time for group therapy! The entire reason we are here. After Dr. Jenn, who hasn’t aged a day, introduces Dr. Christian Conte, anger-management specialist (he’s there for you, Sister) to the group, they begin with Dina and Michael.
Here’s what they say. “Yak, yak, yak. Blah, blah, blah. Snit, snit snit.” And more “Blah, blah, blah.” There was mental and physical abuse. I believe them both. But they start talking over each other and it doesn’t make any sense. Cocaine comes up and Dina says she’s never done cocaine (cough, bullshit) with or without Lindsey. Sister is shaking her head. Michael asks if she can perform an exorcism on Dina and Sister agrees she needs it.
Dr. Jenn shuts down the cross-talk, but Sister tells her, “Don’t you think he knows his wife better than you?” Dr. Jenn calmly agrees that although Michael does know Dina better, it is her job to get them to a better place. So, there, Sister woman, take that.
Next we are going to hear from Tiffany. What’s that, Tiffany? You don’t want to talk tonight? That’s a first, but let me get this straight – you went on Flavor Flav and bared all kinds of stuff, but now you don’t want to expose yourself on a show that was designed with group therapy in mind. Is that right? Damn right it’s right.
A huge altercation takes place with Sister and Tiffany hijacking the therapy session with their talk because they don’t want to talk. And by the way, Sister tells Dr. Jenn she should have met with the residents one-by-one first and offered them some hospitality. Sister thinks she’s at the Holiday Inn or something. And it doesn’t help matters that Dr. Jenn keeps calling Sister by her real name, Michelle. Sister tells Dr. Jenn to act like a professional. Mother and daughter storm out. Hallelujah.
Now we get hear from someone who is grateful to be there. April is trying to share her hopes and dreams for son, Bam, but we can’t concentrate because of the yelling coming from Sister, down the hall, on the other side of the house. Dr. Conte and two cameramen had the ill-fated mission of following Sister and Tiffany into their room to try and help them feel as if they were heard. I want to tell you, what if Sister had been naked? What then? These men are going to walk in without knocking and film her in the nude? I don’t think so. I guess Sister hasn’t seen the surveillance camera in the corner of their room.
Dr. Jenn leaves the group to assist Dr. Conte who can’t get a word in with Sister to save his soul. When Sister wants confirmation from Dr. Jenn that Dr. Conte was disrespectful, Dr. Jenn tells Sister she’s the one being disrespectful. Oh, no she di’ent. Oh, yes she did.
Sister imparts her wisdom, “Screw this” and storms off again. Tiffany, who is ready to talk now, tells Dr. Conte she doesn’t know why her mom is so cray-cray. Meanwhile, Sister is back with the other residents trying to start a revolution. They should be mad at Dr. Jenn for walking away from their therapy because one of the residents, herself, is causing so much trouble. Don’t they matter? The others watch in shock, unsure of what is going on or what to do. Is Sister conjuring up a spell? Does she have a point? Is she manipulating the situation? Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.
Tune in next week when we finish this nonsense and meet the Dash boys.