The Spoils of Speed Swiping


Breaking News! Scientists have discovered “exciting” news in the world of random hookups with total strangers. Turns out, new research suggests that we may not be giving potential soulmates the look they deserve when it comes to swiping their profile away, discarding the chance for love to bloom. According to the most recent study in Scientific Reports, because individuals give the photos such a brief glance, sometimes as little as three seconds, the next picture takes on qualities from the previous face. The reason for this? Apparently the mind has limited “cortical resources.” Yowza! So what does this all mean? My Comedy Therapy asked citizens at the local grocery store for their reactions.



“I have an eight second rule before I swipe right or left. That way I can tell if this dude will stalk me after I dump him.”






“My psychologist says that you can’t really get to know a person’s depth by just a picture of their face. That’s why I look for other clues like a puppy or a guitar in the photo to show what a great human being they are.”




“Yo, if a chick don’t show her entire body and only shows a close up of her face, that’s a huge red flag. I mean, if you can’t see her gazongas, either she doesn’t have any or she’s fat. I always get a full body shot before my meaningless hook ups.”

Breaking News! The Spoils of Speed Swiping
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