Meet Me at the Alter
This week on Married By Mom & Dad we get to see one of the participants walk down the aisle…or will we? After meeting two women, Devin’s parents have chosen their son’s wife and they’ve chosen Ursula – the girl Devin isn’t attracted to. And if we know anything about Devin it’s that physicality is the most important thing ever. More important than values and depth. Mom and Dad propose, and after an awkward pause, Ursula says yes!
Over in Charlotte, Bethany’s parents are going on their first date with their daughters potential husband. His name is Billy and they will be fishing, He shows up with flowers for Bethany’s mom, Julie, so scores a few points there. Thomas, Bethany’s father really believes in marriage, having been married five times, and is bonding well with Billy – until Julie asks Billy if he knows her best friend. Who’s her best friend? Why, Jesus, of course! The parents a disappointed to learn that Billy is Catholic since they are southern Baptists. Poor Billy, this might be a deal breaker.
Back with Devin, he’s meeting with the wedding planner Brittany who is helping to plan a Great Gatsby theme. Devin seems a little too friendly with Brittany and we learn these two have a past. Seriously, of all the wedding planners in the world, Devin has to hire the one he slept with? He confesses to Brittany that he’s not attracted to one of the women, so as long as his parents don’t pick her, he’s golden. After all, he’s the trophy here, said the clueless meathead.
Over in San Diego we join Marissa’s dad, Matt, who will be going on his first date with Jeff at the gun range. Nothing says “till death do us part” like a trip to the gun range. Jeff is unemployed self-made and a beach and dog lover. But can he shoot? No he cannot. In dad’s words, Jeff is “pansy-ish.” Jeff gives it his best shot – ba-dum-tisk – and tells Matt he signed up for this process “on a whim.” Thank goodness there are two other suitors to be interviewed. Dad earns “best line of the night” for telling Jeff if he parts ways with his daughter, he better run in a zig-zag formation. Bam!
It’s time for sit-down with Devin and his parents. And it’s a doozy! Mom and Dad tell Devin they’ve chosen the woman who was most “genuine.” Devin decides to come clean about having zero attraction to Ursula and asks if there are other options, but says he’ll go with whomever they pick. His parents are sticking to their pick, so lets move onto the bachelor party and get drunk, shall we? Devin’s friends think he’s cray-cray for doing this. And guess who’s at the bachelor party? Brittany the wedding planner! She shares that she and Devin had a fling during her crazy days then she met and fell in love with someone else. Devin has a lot of beautiful girl friends and feels his wife should make him want to be faithful. Can we agree Devin is not ready to get married.
We are on date number two with a Bethany’s mom and dad, Thomas and Julie. They will be taking Matt on a hayride. Yee-haw! Mom declares he’s a cutie. Matt seems more grounded than non-shooting Jeff, but Matt’s last relationship lasted four years and ended with a broken engagement. Oopsie! When asked if he’s ready to get married he replies, he’s almost ready to get married to another woman. But he’s a Christian Presbyterian Non-Denominational God-fearing man, so he’s got that going for him. But the most important question seems to be does he make loud noises when chewing. Julie and Thomas have asked this twice now. This is a deal breaker for Bethany. But in the end Julie doesn’t like Matt as much as Billy, so it doesn’t matter.
It’s raining on Devin’s wedding day. Because it is his day. Brittany the wedding planner says the make-up artist has cancelled, but Devin doesn’t care since it’s not his make-up artist. Charming. Ursula’s mom is very, very upset that her daughter’s wedding is out of her control. Ursula’s dad says if Devin’s a jerk, they have a Sicilian cousin they can call to make him take a long walk on a short pier. Bada-boom, bada-bing. And I think they might actually have to make this call. Bonus!
Ursula is trying to calm her mom down, but the woman says she feels like she’s in Pakistan. She didn’t even have a say so in her daughter’s wedding dress. Ursula needs a bucket because she’s going to throw up from her mom’s overwhelming but understandable neediness. Her mom asks if she wants to run away, but that’s not at all what Ursula wants, she wants her mom to deal with it and get off the ledge.
It’s time for the ceremony, Devin makes a sliding entrance, but no one notices because the chairs are facing the other direction. And all that work his make-up artist did is wasted. Devin is sweating like cray! Ursula puts on her dress and announces she can’t breathe. It’s not the dress, honey! The good news is, Ursula and Brittany are bonding. Devin sees the silhouette of Ursula and asks his buddy if he should run now. Again, charming!
Tune in next week when Devin practically melts at the alter from sweat and it’s obvious to Ursula he’s not into her.
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