Episode 8

Meet the Mistress

We join Married By Mom & Dad in Tampa, FL with Devin and Ursula. Devin has planned a romantic foot massage on their last night before Ursula goes to Europe. Devin seems supportive of her trip and is ready to get her out the door in the bed. He carries up to the bedroom, caveman style, and bumps her head on the wall. Devin tells Ursula he needs to see one of his ex-hook ups. Ursula remembers Tatia the “sloppy girl from the club” whom she doesn’t trust. But Ursula gives her blessing for Devin to talk to the slut other woman. On a side note, Devin completely blew his chance at consummating their marriage before her trip.

Next we are with Tahnee’s trio of matchmakers. They are concerned about Matt because he was recently engaged and has a son. They aren’t going to choose someone just to choose someone. They check the boxes on physicality, honesty, integrity, passion, common hobbies, but they need more clarity on if Matt is really ready to walk down the aisle. Is anybody in this situation?

Over to Marissa and her mom, they have narrowed down the search to Freddy, even though he hasn’t been approved by dad, yet. Mother/daughter meet with a wedding planner who provides the wedding check list which typically takes a year to plan. The venue, floral, invitations, photography, and food are just a few, but enough to make Marissa need a stiff drink. She wants a small and casual wedding with a Tiffany-blue and crystal theme. When the wedding planner doesn’t have the right color-swatch, Marissa is brought to tears because she realizes you don’t really know someone after not having sex four hours. Marissa tells her mom she doesn’t think she can go through with this. Yay! Marissa realizes she’s not ready for Freddy!

Back with the trio, they show Matt the venue at the country club, but really they have more questions before they propose. Matt is worried this crash-course marriage isn’t going to happen. They ask about his last relationship and Matt explains that failed relationship has prepared him for this failed relationship. The final question is: will you marry Tahnee. Matt says…yes. Pop the cork, let’s get drunk.

Billy is bringing Bethany to dinner at his folk’s house. Brian and Kay welcome Bethany with semi-open arms, but Bethany is feeling the pressure to make a good impression. She did steal their baby boy who still lived at home, after all. This would be a good time to drink alcohol, but I don’t think his parents drink anything other than holy water. Bethany tells Kay that she and Billy have got this thing all figured out. Dad likes Bethany but Mom is still on the fence. This whole thing has been a whirlwind for Kay. Let’s pray, shall we? Because when Bethany’s mom hears Bethany is considering converting to Catholicism they’re going to need the Lord’s help. But the good news is: they both have the favorite color of orange in common. If that doesn’t say match-made-in-heaven then I don’t know what does.

Over at Lisa and Steve’s house Tahnee limps in with a broken foot in a boot. Thank goodness this isn’t another rejection story. Tahnee hears the news they have found her a husband. Yeehaw! Then they tell Tahnee she’s going to be a stepmom as well as a wife. Ruh-roh! Tahnee’s shocked having gone from single, to engaged, to stepmom in thirty-five seconds. Tahnee is glowing with excitement. Now if she can find the perfect dress to flatter her boot.

Devin is meeting up with his ex-mistress Tatia. She totally reminds me of the Russian gold-digger from 90 Day Fiancé. Tatia considers herself still in a relationship Devin because they are deeper than boyfriend/girlfriend and because they never broke up. Devin tells Tatia that everything is going very well in his new marriage and avoids the “how’s the sex” question. Apparently Devin is given a “word of the day” to use in a sentence from Ursula. Unfortunately they haven’t yet made it to the word: Abstinence.

In a confessional Devin says the most women he’s ever screwed during a weekend is seven. Ursula, honey, get this boy checked first. Jus sayin. Devin tells Tatia he still wants her in his life, but not as a lover. His supportive friend who will be there for him when he wants and only when he wants. He explains to Tatia what they had was lust, not love. Tatia has no interest in making Devin a better man for his new wife. And by the way, everyone thinks Devin is stupid for marrying to a complete stranger. Devin tells Tatia he will stay in this bad marriage to prove everyone wrong, for however long it takes.

We join Tahnee, Lisa and Cindy at the jewelry store picking out wedding rings. Tahnee is feeling overwhelmed. Things are getting real and she is freaking out. The jewelry store owner is a little shocked that someone is picking out a ring without having met their future partner, but what the heck, a sale’s a sale. Lisa tells Tahnee how brave she is to do this ridiculous sacred act that’s sure to fail. Tahnee has reservations…at the county club! Good luck you crazy kids.

Tune in next week when Billy and Bethany have their first fight. Good times!

Missed last week’s episode? Check it out here.

RECAP Married By Mom and Dad – Meet the Mistress
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