Episode 5

Never Have I Ever

This week on Married By Mom & Dad there will be tears. Some of joy, but mostly of frustration. We begin with Tahnee and her mom, stepmom and bonus dad as they tell her they’ve failed as matchmakers. “Sorry there won’t be a wedding, but we love you even if no one else does.”  Turns out, the guy they thought was the one decided his mom was right and he wasn’t ready for marriage. The next step is to figure out if Tahnee wants to continue this process.

Next up is the happy couple Billy and Bethany. Their marriage has been consummated! First night! How easy was that! Billy is checking out Bethany’s condo before they go on their honeymoon to Savannah. Billy doesn’t mind how messy Bethany’s place is because he lives with his mom and dad. This is news to Bethany. The upside is they’ve figured out where to live. Bethany’s mom presses her for details on the wedding night. Was it good or was it great? Bethany reluctantly confirms it was great. The consummation is “Jesus approved!” per Bethany’s mom.

We join Devin and Ursula on the beach in St. Augustine. The couple have fun playing in the water and each likes what they see. The couple discusses where to live and Devin informs Ursula that Tampa isn’t fancy enough for the fancy boy. He wants San Diego. Ursula feels California is too expensive. She suggests moving to another country. Speaking of another country, Ursula has a secret. She’s going on a trip out of the country soon and hasn’t told Devin yet. In the meantime, other states are mentioned and shot down for one reason or another.

Savannah here we come! Billy is “bonkers” for Bethany. They can’t keep their hands or lips off each other on the drive down. Billy carries Bethany over the threshold of the B&B and then pops the cork. Bethany is very concerned that Billy will spill the champagne on the floor, while Billy is concerned how to tell Bethany he loves her so soon. She knows he wants to say something because he keeps tripping over his words, but Bethany thinks Billy is having second thoughts.

Back with Tahnee, turns out there’s this thing called “contractual obligations.” Most likely Tahnee checked with a lawyer and learned she is stuck on the show. So, here we go: Team Tahnee Take Two! Everyone involved plans up their game. Step-mom Lisa asks Tahnee what if they don’t all agree on the choice, what then. Tahnee’s response is, “Oh, f*ck.” Tahnee says they must all be 100% on the same person or it’s a no go.

Back with Devin and Ursula, the duo is going out to dinner, and Ursula is wearing her veil. It’s white, but I feel like black we more appropriate fashionable. Devin, being a gentleman, lets Ursula choose the bottle of wine. So have they consummated the marriage? Not yet. Devin would be howling at the moon and beating his chest if they had. The couple discuss audio books and Devin has no idea about this thing called pre-recorded books. Ursula finds his ignorance sweet – good thing – because there’s plenty more where that came from. Devin shares his bucket list with Ursula and there’s a lot on it. Ursula loves the list because it’s simple. Restaurants, movies, workouts. Stuff like that. Finally Ursula drops them bomb she will be leaving for a European vacation she has been planning for a while, in one week, and staying for two. I can almost see Devin planning Meathead’s First Night Out in his head. Personally I think Ursula should cancel the trip, hopefully she got the insurance, but apparently this is none of my damn business.

Onto Marissa who is going on her first date with her mom, Leslie, because her dad left town. To me this is breaking the rules, and if Marissa can do it why not Tahnee, but apparently this too is none of my damn business. Up first is Alex. They meet at the San Diego beach and Alex is dressed in a wet suit. Marissa announces she will not get in the water, ruin her makeup or get her hair wet trying to surf. Marissa has the personality of a wet suit. Alex goes alone and mom Leslie thinks it’s hilarious when a guy who agreed to put himself out there, falls off the surfboard again and again. The trio leave the beach and go to a restaurant. Another problem, the restaurant doesn’t have vodka, Marissa’s preferred poison. Alex says he opted for this process because he wants to participate in “something magical” which clearly this is not. Marissa starts talking about chemistry, and how you either have it or don’t, and it’s pretty obvious this is a don’t. Yet Alex believes there’s hope, silly boy.  The deal breaker is Marissa’s love of coffee and Alex’s disinterest for coffee, which is a perfectly reasonable place to set the bar.

Back with Billy and Bethany who are jumping on the bed which leads to making out. Billy cannot hold it in any longer and tells Bethany he loves her, which is exactly what she wants to hear. They say it to each other and start making out again. They promise to love each other forever and ever, but you know what they say, forever is as long as it lasts. Some people’s forever are two weeks.

Speaking of love lasting two weeks, Devin and Ursula are having troubles. Devin is concerned he will cheat when Ursula leaves town – and he will. On the walk back to the hotel, Devin asks Ursula what consummation means, and I’m hoping he’s joking and this is coy way to suggest it’s what he wants to do. One of Devin’s bucket list entries is to have a massage, which leads to playing the game, Never Have I Ever. Let the drinking begin if you have done something. The first is a three-some. Devin chugs. The second is about cheating. Devin chugs again. We learn this is partly why he signed up for the show – it will cure his cheating ways. Devin explains it was a combination of seeking better women and treating women like they’re not the objects he thinks they are. Ursula is worried she’s made a terrible mistake getting married to a complete stranger and takes a chug herself.

Tune in next week when Ursula drops another bombshell and Tahnee cries while trying on beautiful wedding dresses she will never wear with friends.

Missed last week’s episode? Check it out here.

RECAP Married By Mom & Dad – Never Have I Ever
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