Episode 9

Opening Up the Ex-Files

This week on Married By Mom & Dad there are issues abound. We begin with Billy and Bethany who will have their first fight, but first she scolds him for asking how the sex was. Billy naively proclaims they will be the first married couple to never ever not stop having sex, said that guy who’s been married one week. Bethany reveals she’s not on birth control and yet claims she doesn’t want kids, said the girl who’s a fool. Billy says the worst thing possible: his mom was a teacher and had her own kids,too. Without an argument, Bethany agrees to try for kids in two years.

Up next, Tahnee is feeling the pre-wedding jitters. Today is the day, so let’s drink! Her groom Matt is also nervous and didn’t sleep well last night. Matt tells his friends he said yes to this crazy adventure because bonus dad Steve made him feel comfortable. Matt’s mom is a bundle of nerves, too, but open the idea that Tahnee could be Matt’s soul mate. And a monkey might fly out of her butt! Tahnee’s real dad – who didn’t bother to participate in finding her groom – has bothered to show up for the wedding. Real dad says although this is unorthodox, he needs to change with the times or get left behind. The question is, will Tahnee will go through with this or leave Matt behind?

Ursula is back from her European vacation and Devin is picking her up at the airport. She knows Devin met with his ex-hook up but isn’t asking a whole lot of questions about that. Devin wants Ursula to tell him he can no longer see his exes, but she doesn’t want the responsibility of telling Devin something he should already know. Ursula is questioning her decision – yet again – to marry Devin.

Over at Billy and Bethany’s house, both sets of parents are coming over for dinner. Won’t this be interesting? Wait, it won’t? Billy opens a bottle of wine to soften the bad news for Bethany. His parents aren’t coming even though they live close by. You see they are overwhelmed. Never mind that Bethany’s parents are traveling five hours for this dinner. Billy is very apologetic and Bethany is disappointed that his parents haven’t accepted her yet. It’s been a week, people. Maybe Rome wasn’t built in a day, but surely it was built in a week. Bethany’s mom, Julie, arrives with her dog and then her dad, Tom, arrives. When they hear the news, Billy spins it by saying how excited he is to spend the whole, entire and very long evening with just them. Tom tells Julie privately he doesn’t think they don’t like Bethany, per se, they just don’t like the situation. Accept for Billy apologizing again and again, it’s a quiet spaghetti dinner.

It’s wedding time. Tahnee is about to limp down the aisle and marry a complete stranger. The good news is both the bride and groom have shown up. They are all smiles, but it’s that frozen, nervous kind. After Tahnee’s real dad walks her down the aisle, he whispers into Matt’s ear that if he breaks Tahnee’s heart, he’ll break his. Bitch move from a guy who didn’t show up until now.  But Matt soldiers on. Tahnee is very nervous so Matt reaches for her hand. Class act. What’s interesting is Matt and Tahnee hardly make eye contact. They say their “I do’s” and with shaking hands exchange rings. The newly married couple gives each other a warm kiss on the lips. Cindy, Lisa and Steve high-five each other over their match-making abilities. And Tahnee agrees! So does Matt! Whew!

When Devin and Ursula arrive at home, there are rose petals and gifts everywhere. Devin has a speech prepared to address his not wanting to be a meathead anymore. While Ursula was partying in Europe, Devin read through her list Ursula entitled – 101 traits of the perfect man. Devin is relieved to already have a “nice butt” but has Ursula bought gifts just to be on the safe side. He promises to try and “enjoy boating” even though he is terrified of water. And to signify (new word) their vows, Devin put them in a framed portrait. Devin has another new word he is trying to use: pessimistic. He will try not to be one anymore.

Back at Tahnee and Matt’s wedding, the two seem happy as they take the dance floor for their first dance as husband and wife. Turns out Matt’s dad couldn’t be there because “he’s out of town.” This would be a great spot for Tahnee to ask about her new step-son, but she doesn’t. And there is a huge problem. Turns out Matt drinks beer and Tahnee does not. Get the lawyers. In a private testimonial Matt is asked if Tahnee was everything he desired. After he hmm’s and haw’s over his response, Matt says they don’t know each other. So, that’s a no. Bonus dad Steve gives the couple a 60% chance of success. Or a 40% chance of failure depending on whether or not you are a pessimistic person. (See how I used it in a sentence Ursula).

Back at Bethany and Billy’s place, the camera man has showed and they are in the middle of their first fight. Here’s what happened, Billy checked Bethany’s phone when she was asleep and found a picture of a shirtless guy. Bethany texted back to the shirtless guy, Miss you babe. Now, this all occurred before the wedding, but Billy’s point is Bethany knew there was going to be a wedding, so this is a violation of trust. Hello? You went through her phone. It’s a tie. But, there’s an easy solution, Sorry, won’t happen again, but Bethany is dismissive of Billy’s frustration that she lied. Billy tells Bethany she better not dare cut him off again. Seriously? These two need a time-out. Billy gets up and leaves, hopefully not running home to his mommy and daddy because they don’t need any more ammunition to not accept Bethany as their daughter-in-law.

Tune in next time when Marissa’s parents tell her what a loser she is for backing out.

Missed last week’s episode? Check it out here.

RECAP Married By Mom and Dad – Opening Up the Ex-Files
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