Do Cats Cause Schizophrenia? Meow!

Chalk one up for dog lovers! Did you know that domesticated cats carry viruses linked to mental illness? Scientists have discovered “exciting” news about the possible connection between our mental health and the urine from a cat.

The proposed hypothesis is that around the year 1808, schizophrenia went from being an obscure disease to something as common as the flu. During this same exact time frame, cat ownership rose across America. According to the “experts” this is not a coincidence.

For some time now, scientists has been studying this phenomenon. Research shows cats have been implicated in several illnesses besides schizophrenia, including deafness, seizures, cerebral palsy, and Tourrets syndrome, due to the toxoplasmosis called gondii that cats transmit. But how can the cat be such a quiet killer when they are so fun to watch with a laser pen?

Sally Hester, admitted dog lover, attended the conference where this new development in health was revealed. “This was a total revelation. All this time I thought my aunt was crazy for having 11 cats. Turns out, my aunt is crazy because she has 11 cats. Huge difference.”

The peak age to show signs of infection from taxoplasmicity is the same age range for signs of schizophrenia, which is around 17 – 25. Researchers say these feline infections can strike in utero as well as children and adults. However, the conference wasn’t all doom and gloom. There were some helpful tips on how to combat this virus. For starters, banning sandboxes all together would help.

“How do you think we managed to get so many feline samples?” explained one of the scientists. “We collected from public and private sand boxes. Put it this way, there was no shortage of samples.”

Many experts have expressed “skepticism” and “disbelief” at the findings of this study, citing Panda bears as the perfect example. Did you know what panda bears are known to have recurring cases of strep throat?

“It’s true,” said one of the scientists. “However, there is no data to support a connection between pandas and kids who play together having an increase in strep at this time.”

So what’s the take away? Everything in moderation seems to be an important factor with the feline population. Juan de Corona, a member of the landscaping crew at the zoo where both kids and pandas are known to play, gave his thoughts.

“Do you know how many chemicals I breathe in, man? Cat piss is the least of my problems.”

Breaking News! Do Cats Cause Schizophrenia? Meow! #FlashbackFriday
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