Below Deck

Episode 5

Cool Beans

Ahoy! Welcome back to another week of rough seas on Below Deck. Once again Chris is working with a hangover – light weight. Matt confirms with Brianna that he did in fact ask her out on a date last night and she did in fact say yes. So why is Brianna hesitating? Because she has the hots for Nico and Nico has the hots for her, but he also has a girlfriend back home. This is called, conflict.

Up next, Nico and Capt. Lee discuss what to do with Chris. They are still scratching their heads when it’s time to discuss the new charter guests coming on board the Valor. The couple is from Houston, non-drinkers, and trained gourmet chefs. WTF? Non-drinkers from H-town? This can’t be. The only way to survive living in Houston is to drink. This makes Matt very nervous. And he should be. Alcohol covers up a lot mistakes. Plus, he’s already nervous about his date with Brianna. And he should be.

Onto Jen who is jealous again because she has to work while Briana gets to be” sexually permissive.” This girl is jealous and sexually frustrated. Too bad the crews’quarters are too close for Jen whip out Big Mo. Brianna and Matt are getting ready for their date. Everyone tells them good luck, not so much Nico. He hopes it all goes to hell in a picnic basket.

So, where does Matt take Brianna on their first date? To a nude beach because obviously. Hopefully he makes up for that with great food. Oops, spoke too soon. Matt has brought a previously opened bottle of whisky, a bag of cranberries and a bag of pistachios. Next Matt asks Brianna if she’d like to travel the world in an Airstream with him. Slow down horsey. Matt, being the classy guy he is, is ready to get nude and Brianna’s ready to get gone. Nearly passed out, Matt tells Brianna she’s a horrible date, but then says they are going to fall madly in love.

When they return to the boat, Nico and Bruno want details, but Matt cannot string two coherent sentences together. Later, Brianna informs Bruno that she never wants to see Matt again. And this is why you don’t shit where you eat, people. She has to see him again. Matt is clueless, but the following morning, he gets that he blew it with Brianna. However, at this point in her life, Jen thinks a horrible date is better than no date.

Surprise, surprise! A new crew member has arrived. Baker is the first to greet EJ the Canadian. Turns out, Capt. Lee hired him without anyone knowing ahead of time. And get this, EJ is a bosun and outranks Nico. Baker runs to tell Nico the news. He is very distraught, but now we know not to call Capt. Lee’s bluff. Nico joins Capt. Lee and meets EJ. He is told to give EJ a tour of the boat and find him a bunk.

EJ is introduced to the crew as “someone to help them get to where they need to be.” Nico tells the deck hands when they say WTF to just focus on the new charter guests and fingers crossed no one gets fired. EJ is moved to Chris’ bunk and Chris will now be sleeping at the crew kitchen table. If that doesn’t scream you are in deep water, I don’t know what does. Meanwhile, Jen is super happy because maybe she get can some action with the new guy.

The new charter guests arrive but will not be greeted with champagne, instead it’s cider. Eww. Let’s get this sober party started! Kate gives a tour while Nico and EJ get the boat ready to depart. The charter guests meet Matt and say that food is an experience but they are not uptight assholes requiring architectural art. Good thing because Matt is as simple as they come. The guests request virgin pina coladas and Kate can not wrap her brain around people people who don’t drink and yet pay all this money to cruise, and remember everything. I mean, what’s up with that?

The anchor is dropped successfully and you’d think Nico would be excited about the extra help, but he’s not. Matt is operating at a snail’s pace because he’s still hungover and confused about where he went wrong with Brianna. Good news is the guests love his salad. The use the word, sous vide, to describe the chicken. I’ve never heard people from Houston use this word in a sentence, but it’s a method of cooking that involves steam, which totally applies like the following, “The flood waters from Hurricane Harvey are very sous vide.” Kate asks Matt if he’s feeling okay, he says yes, but has a frowny face.

It’s fun time for the guests off the coast of St. Martin. They have been dubbed “boring” by the crew so let’s see what they can do. Not much! Please spike their iced tea, y’all. Meanwhile, Nico is feeling very betrayed by Capt. Lee for bringing in this Canadian whose favorite saying is: cool beans. Hey EJ, the 1980’s called and said you can keep this lame saying.

One of the couples is celebrating their 10 year anniversary. Everything must be perfect because sober people notice mistakes. Unfortunately, the risotto is underdone and the steak is overdone. But Matt takes the feedback in stride kind of like you’ve just informed him that the sky is blue. Kate offers to get them something else. How about a Shirley Temple with a splash of anything? The guests say no thanks. Maybe things will go better with the bananas foster. Don’t they use alcohol in this? Fingers crossed it’s not all burned off. Here’s the tip from the guests for Matt: You can never go wrong with more ice cream. Matt says, “I reckon they’re right.” Reckon?  You ain’t from Houston, Matt. You’re are legally restricted from saying this word. But there’s one last chance to make a good impression by the crew of the Valor. A fireworks show. Unfortunately this too gets off to a rough start and the guests go to bed before 10:00pm. Seriously? It wasn’t that bad of a fireworks show.

Capt. Lee calls EJ to the wheelhouse to get his input so far. EJ is ready to whip this sloppy boat back into shape. He tells Capt. Lee the crew is lazy and walk around in a stupor. Just then, one of the guests wanders into the kitchen looking for coffee. That’s Jen’s department but she has over slept and can’t make coffee until her hair is absolutely perfect.  I mean not a hair can be out of place. She is 20 minutes late and Matt has to serve the coffee. Maybe Capt. Lee needs to “reconfigure” Kate’s department.

Capt. Lee and Nico have a pow-wow about EJ and if he’ll be a perfect fit. Nico says there are too many people deck hands on the deck. Capt. Lee says, “Suck it up, cupcake.” Excuse me, but the saying is, “Suck it up, butter cup.” Please go back to driving the boat and leave the snarky cliches to me.

However, Nico has another plan. He wants to expose every mistake EJ makes from this point on. And EJ makes one. There’s a problem pulling up the anchor. Turns out the brake was not disengaged. Strike one for EJ. Nico runs off to write the mistake in his diary. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Matt realizes he may have a drinking problem. This is called, character depth.

Tune in next time when Capt. Lee is forced to fire someone. Yay!

Missed last week’s Below Check? Check it out here.

RECAP: Below Deck – Epi 5 “Cool Beans”
Tagged on: