Episode 8

Under Cover Boss

We return to Below Deck right where we left off last week, Cinderella a.k.a. Jen is getting the castle clean before she can go to bed. Jen is really pissed off at her evil step-mother a.k.a Kate and doesn’t give “two shits what the bitch thinks” about her. Meanwhile, Nico and Brianna take a work break to watch the sunrise together. Aww. Isn’t the cheater sweet? Things are definitely happening with Nico.


The Blindside guests are still there but will be leaving if the Valor can dock the boat properly. Nico leads the meeting with the deck hands as EJ watches with mock attention. As far as leaders go, Baker prefers EJ’s level-headed style to Nico’s.  At least the deckhands are getting better – poor Jen isn’t. Will this be her last charter? Probably not.

The crew says goodbye to the nicest charters ever and learn that everything was flawless except for the bananas foster fiasco. They hand over a thick envelope full of greens. Capt. Lee calls the crew to the mess kitchen to discuss the cruise and their tip. He says it was the best ever cruise, but the devil in the details. The tip is $21,00o and the day off after they flip the boat.

Nico’s girlfriend Melissa calls. She’s been texting, but he’s an asshole to her because he’s doing Brianna very busy. Matt calls his ex-girlfriend to ask if she wants to meet up when he returns home. Her answer is swift and concise – Nope. Kate switches the rooms up and places Nico in Brianna’s room to “boost moral” or at least his penis.

For their day off you’d think the crew would want to spend time apart, but they don’t. They go on a group trip to this awesome place called Loterie Farm. If you are tired of gazing at the beautiful turquoise waters and pristine sugary beaches, this is the place for you. Tucked in the jungle with mad-made pools and hot tubs, the crew starts slamming drinks. Love is in the air. Nico and Brianna are getting cozy while something is starting to grow between EJ and Baker. And by grow I mean their shared dislike of Nico’s leadership skills, not his penis.

After Matt sleeps it off, they crew returns to the Valor and reality, but not Nico and Brianna. They are keeping the good times going through the lost art of ukulele. Same with EJ and Baker, though they aren’t cuddling and making out like Nico and Bri. If loving Brianna is wrong, Nico couldn’t give two shits about being right. The boat will be rocking tonight!

Wakey, wakey. It’s time to clean the boat and get their groove on. Nico asks Matt if he’d like to go to a wine bar tonight to complain about women and Baker asks EJ on a date. So what does EJ do? He acts like a high schooler and immediately brags about it to Nico and Bruno. Nico is relieved because he thinks EJ needs to laid. And maybe he does, but this will not change the fact that EJ is bosun and Nico is not. Meanwhile, Kate has issued a punishment contest to Brianna and Jen. The fastest bed maker will get two hour breaks during the next charter – and they are going to need it.

It’s go time for turn down service. Go! The winner is Brianna. Kate drops an F-bomb and Jen claims hearing such language is against her civil rights, said the loser. Nico and Matt are on their date to dish on the women ruining their lives. Nico is struggling with the three-month anniversary of his brother’s death and his nagging girlfriend of one year. Matt says he gets it, relationships are hard work, just like making a decent bananas foster.

Back on the boat, Jen is crying because she’s the hardest worker on the boat and that bitch Kate doesn’t see it and she has reached her fucking threshold because she really should be at home with her daughter instead of on a fucking boat, sailing around the fucking Caribbean. Hey, Jen, what about Bruno’s civil rights? Bruno says just keep working. In strolls Brianna and Bruno takes this opportunity to run away. Brianna explains to Jen she isn’t the hardest worker because she is always late. Instead of throwing herself overboard, Jen walks off regretting her decision to give Brianna a friendship bracelet.

Brianna calls a meeting with Kate in the salon to say that moral is really low because of Jen, and perhaps it’s time to unite the team. Kate is like, No effing way. Get off the boat if you don’t want to do the work. Baker and EJ leave for their date and she looks pretty, however, in a testimonial, EJ says he’ll never know if he’s into Baker until he’s into EJ. Really? He says, into her mind, but it’s too late, we know what he meant. Meanwhile, Nico and Brianna are getting their groove on in their bunk while Jen calls her daughter and tells her not to stress over a test she must take. It’s okay to be unprepared in life.

Finally it’s time to discuss the new charter guests who are celebrating their recent engagement with friends. Capt. Lee goes over the dossier with the Kate, EJ, and Nico about the much older man and the much younger woman. Yes, gang, she’s marrying for the money and he’s marrying for the trophy. Hopefully his money will never run out and she will never age, otherwise these two love birds should be just fine. But Kate isn’t a romantic like I am, her exact word was, “Yuck.”

Now that Nico has done the dirty with Brianna, he does the gentlemanly thing and breaks up with his girlfriend via text. But who cares, here comes the nightmare guests! Yes the fiancé is beautiful, but she talks too much. She says things like, “Let’s get this party started,” and “We’re the naughty yachty crew, let’s get this party started” and “I want a skinny margarita so I can get this party started” and “I’ve been waiting on my luggage forever to get the party started” and last but not least, “I hate this!”

Tune in next week when this recap writer’s gift from the comedy gods nightmare cruise sets sail!

Missed last week’s Below Deck? Check it out here.

RECAP: Below Deck – Epi 8 “Under Cover Boss”
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