Stop Drinking or Get Cancer?

Fine Be a Quitter!

In an unprecedented warning from the nation’s top oncologists, Americans are being told to drink less or get cancer. Their research, which consisted of several years of other scientific studies, claims to have found a strong link between alcohol and cancer from as little as one glass of wine or beer per day.

“Now I’m really confused,” expressed a moderate drinker. “Didn’t these so-called doctors just tell me it was heart smart to drink red wine? Next they’ll tell me the opioids my doctor prescribed for my back pain is bad for me.”

According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, they have put alcohol near the top of the list of known human carcinogens, mostly because alcohol begins with an A, but it’s important to note, the more you drink, the greater your risk is to develop cancer.

“Okay, I’m going to call bullshit on this study,” said another individual. “My grandma drank every day until the ripe old age of 85. And she didn’t die from cancer. She died because she was drunk and walked into oncoming traffic. So this study is just stupid.”

The group of oncologists say they aren’t telling people to stop drinking. They recognize this was once an terrible and unsuccessful study called: prohibition. What they are saying is if you drink, cut back, and if you don’t drink, don’t start. So where’s the line between moderate drinking and heavy drinking anyway? Defined by the National Institute for Alcohol Abuse, moderate drinking is considered 1 drink per day for women and 2 drinks per day for men.

“Great. Once again discrimination is hard at work against women. We want equal rights, damn it, and if men can have two drinks per day, then we want the government, whose salaries are paid by our taxes, to recognize a woman’s right to equality.”

There is some good news, though. Exercise, along with a healthy diet, can reduce your risk of cancer. But what about the non-drinker, will this eliminate their risk for cancer entirely? The short answer is, hell no, and unfortunately, there is limited data on alcohol cessation. Scientists say it takes roughly 20 years for the body to return to the health of the never-drinker.

“WTF?” said someone considering sobriety. “I’ll be dead in 20 years. Forget it and pass me a beer.”

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Breaking News: Stop Drinking or Get Cancer? Fine, Be a Quitter!
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